A Letter To My Son

Hey Son,

At the exact moment I'm typing out this letter, you haven't been born yet. In fact, you haven't even been conceived yet. We (your parents) are just a month away from delivering your big sister into the world, and at this point your mom doesn't even want to even think about making you yet.

But I guess it's never too soon to write a letter to you. Can't blame your old man for being such a boy scout, but you know, with all the 30 somethings dropping dead recently, I may just have a coronary after an ejaculation years from now or something and that would have ended up being you. Then I would eternally be responsible for whether you turned up screwed up in the head. Or not. And since you're carrying my genes, I ain't takin any chances, kid.

If I'm still around while you're reading this post, then feel free to ask me any additional questions or references. If you've just started to learn to read (which makes you about 5 or 6 I hope) and managed to get on to this site, don't tell your mother. And ONLY check with ME on certain words that you find in here that you're not sure about. When mom's not around.

So.

I wanted to write you this letter. As your guide in life. Because unless you're biologically structured to grow up gay, there are certain things that boys will inevitably do. You will find yourself in specific situations that are doomed to repeat themselves from generation to generation. This letter is meant to prepare you for those situations, either to keep you far away from harm, humiliation, pain and/or suffering.

These, son, are my guides to each of your life stages.

Kindergarten

Never pick a fight with the girls. They are usually bigger than boys at that age. And they would have already learned the meaning of travelling in packs. If you call them names, they will not retaliate as a solitary unit. They will gang up on you, and even beat you up. Once that happens, your end of the year concerts will never be the same again. You will be unpopular, and never be picked to be the teapot for the "I'm a little teapot, short and stout" scene.

Primary / Elementary School

If you have to wear glasses, please insist that your parent(s) get you frames that are in fashion. Do NOT listen to your mother when she says that the bigger the frame and lenses, the better you get to see. You may see better, but people wouldn't want to be seen with you. They will not pick you to be in the soccer team. They will not pick you to be on the hockey team. Instead, you will be on the ping pong and handball team. The ping pong team may not even have a budget to buy jerseys. You may end up having to wear the netball team jerseys. So choose your glasses carefully.

If you like a girl, don't get your friends to tell her and then avoid her for 3 years. You will find out one day the you'll have to chase them all your life. Better to get a headstart. Be careful of the hottest girl in primary school. They usually end up being sluts in high school (not so bad - invest early) and finally being fat, married early and running a laundromat after flunking college. Go for the cute ones. Especially prefects, since nice girls tend to grow up being more liberated and experimental in high school.

If your friend suggests that you try lighting up his dad's ciggarette, try not to. Chances are I'll find out anyway and whoop your ass. If you do, though, don't waste your time brushing your teeth 3 times and sucking on Hacks before me or your mom gets home coz we'll still know and whoop your ass harder for doing it, and tryinna hide it like an ass. Eat spicy food instead. And drink Lassi (as if your ass can afford one with the pocket money I'm giving you) What I won't know won't hurt me. Or you for that matter.

If you're thinking of joining the boy scouts, be careful who you sleep in a tent with. Most of them may turn out gay 10 years later. Focus your attention only on survival skills and how to pitch a tent. Make sure at this age none of your friends ask you to check out how they pitched their tents in their pants. If they do, kick them in the nuts, leave the boy scouts and go lift up a girls skirt as soon as you can. Your friends may mock you for joining the boy scouts, so counteract them by getting as many contacts with the girl guides as possible. You may need them 3-5 years later.

Do not accept any recommendations of being the class monitor. It's just a propaganda position where you'll only end up taking and sending the class attendance book from the teacher's room, announce the arrival and departure of each teacher in class, and you get to write names of noisy classmates on the blackboard. (x2 if theyre noisy twice!). You will be perceived as the teacher's pet and slaveboy, which will only make you try harder to be corrupt to be accepted by your peers. You'll start taking bribes for the list of names that go on or off that blackboard.

Never come to school with shoes that are too white. Make sure you don't make 'em too white when you kapur your kasut. If they are, scrape them around in the dirt a bit before going into school.

Never, ever pick on kids that are less fortunate than you. You may be an either a smartass or a jackass, but no son of mine is a pompous bastard with no heart. That's just lame. By all means pick on other kids who are pompous bastards.

Never start a fight. Always end one.

A girl will tell you she likes you. If you like her and she's hot, go ahead and announce it to the world. If she's not and you don't like her, don't be mean to her. Making fun of her in front of your friends just to maintain your cool is uncool. Be polite and decline. For one fine day she may grow up to be hot librarian or something. They will remember your kindness and double the returns if you're lucky.

Don't call up girls and ask them if they've grown any pubic hair yet.

High School

Don't be too dumb, but don't be too smart either. If you're too dumb, chances are most people will beat you up. If you're too smart, same thing. Be smart, but dumb it down a little. This way the freaks and geeks will help you with school, and the dudes and bros will help you with the cool. Be a friend to everyone, but know when to be with who and where and how. Study with the brainiacs after school, but roll with the boys for the rest of the time.

Never date a girl who's dated your buddy. This is illegal. You shall not go for sloppy seconds. Unless you manage to get to one base more than your buddy. If he got to second, you better go for third. If you plan to do this, make sure you're confident enough you can pull it off. If not, stay away and go after another.

Kiss and tell.

If you really need to experiment, only go for what mother nature provided. Nothing white, blue or capsulated. And for heaven's sakes, do it with class, and not out of something makeshift from a coke bottle and from a papaya tree. And not at some rempit locales like in the semak somewhere. Do it somewhere safe, where you won't do something stupid like cross a road or something. If by any chance you were doing it in a friend's house and his mom comes back early, avoid accepting her invitation for some snacks in the living room. You will act stupid and she will notice. And call your mom.

If your'e sleeping over at a friend's and plan to spy on his neighbor taking her clothes off, make sure the room you're spying from have the lights off, idiot.

If you're planning to sneak out his dad's or MY car, you may notice that the steering lock obstacle can be solved by getting an allen key and removing and reattaching the steering wheel. But you may forget about the mileage and gas metres, smartass. I will find out and you'll get your ass whooped.

Date at least 2 girls who are not from your school. You can lie more to your friends about them and it'll be harder for them to validate your claims.

If I forced you to take up tae kwon do in primary school, know that your "patterns" are no match for 15 mat rempits with helmets and kayu beluti's (very painful).

If you're gonna smoke with the boys in the toilet, try your best not to be last in line. The ciggie butt will be disgustingly soggy by the time it's your turn. You'll burn your fingers from the hot ciggie butt when you inhale.

Be friends with nerdy prefects or librarian girls. If you have been practising this since primary school, be patient and continue on...trust me you'll reap the benefits later on in life once the hotties have gone past their prime. You will understand the meaning of late bloomers and the wonders they are capable of in due time. For now, be friendly to everyone.

If you're gonna blow up a toilet appliance using a time-rigged explosive set to trigger during morning assembly, try not to laugh out the hardest or wave your hand in the air victoriously. You will be noticed.

One of the girls you know may be going through a lesbian phase. Find out who and maintain contact with her until you're in college. You'll thank me later.

To be continued....