Karma-Chameleon

An old friend suggested I write about Karma. Being a husband with a daughter coming soon in less that a month's time, I felt it provided the perfect setting to reflect on the terrifying concept of Karma.

If the Karma concept holds true, then the circle of life is basically a bad version of a horrific non-stop revolving door. Especially to those who lived their lives tending to stray as far away as the straight line as possible.

If the Karma concept holds true, then these are what I can expect:

1. My daughter will meet a guy at a club. He will be highlighting the fact that he works in advertising. She will be impressed. He will pull out his mobile and show her pictures of his nephew. She will gush with affection and assume he is a successful, cool yet sensitive bloke. While showing the pics on his phone, he will then ask her to guess how to spell his name. She will guess it wrong, and he will show her the correct spelling on his phone. Then she will ultimately be conned into giving her phone number, since he's got his phone out already anyway. They will date for 2-3 weeks and he won't call her again, ever. Bastard.

2. My daughter will meet a guy and date him for 2 weeks. After which he will invite her for a road trip up north with his group of friends for new years eve. He will end up getting pissed at the party, and his friends will leave him to sit on a chair facing a big dumpster while they have their post party supper at a mamak stall somewhere since he's too schlonked to eat. He will be a jackass for the rest of the trip. Upon returning to KL, he won;t call her again, ever. Bastard.

3. My daughter will fall for a guy and give him her fullest attention and care. He will be okay for the first few weeks, after which she will try to take it to another level and shower him with gifts and her undivided attention. He will get freaked out and won't call her again, ever. Bastard.

4. She will reconnect with an old friend from school, date him and have an open relationship, after being too giving from the last one. After a couple of months, he fails to show any sign of commitment and thinks the relationship is making the original friendship awkward. He will leave things open ended, and not call her again, ever. Bastard.

But then again, if the Karma concept holds true, the best I can do is pray and hope that some things do repeat itself:

1. She will ultimately learn to be stronger, smarter, wiser (there's a difference okay!) and kinder from all the crap

2. She may realise that an old friend is also her soul mate.

3. She'll meet a guy who'd sell his drum set and his car just to be married to her

So, while we always think that the Karma concept deserves the middle finger, it could also turn out not so bad in the end.

Hey, getting there is half the fun ain't it? Who am I to deprive her of that?

Bastard.

The Dynamics Of Sleazy Malay Businessmen

I was having dinner with The Wife in Bangsar tonight, tucked away at a table for 2.

Soon after ordering, a pair of twentysomethings sat at the table for 4 which was next to ours. One in a tudung, albeit her skinny jeans, hugging white blouse and "Haven't I seen you on YouTube at the stairwell scene?' face.

The other, which was a tad more interesting, was in your typical tight "designer" Guess? dress which obviously was more appropriate for marketing yourself on a bar countertop at Barbarran's back in 2001 than going to work in, which I assume was what she would attest to.

Anyways, I took a coupla glances before turning my attention to the over crispy garlic bread that The Wife had ordered, and more interested in what drama happened at her office for the day.

10 minutes later, 2 guys walked in, and stopped at our neighbor's. Initial scans revealed to me that they probably stopped at the wrong table as the Tittilating Twosome obviously had absolutely nothing in common with the Dynamic Dunces that were standing there.

And then I saw them.

Chunky man-bracelets. Vertically striped white and blue shirt with white collars. White pants. Poor excuse of a 5 o'clock shadow. Semi-mullet hair (just the back portion, long enough to reach their collars).

Malay businessmen!

Dinner appointment with the Tittilating Twosome, no doubt. I wonder what the wives were cooking at home. Loud hello's were exchanged, and they made themselves audibly comfortable next to ours, much to The Wife's discomfort.

With barely any effort required to eavesdrop, I heard nearly every word of their conversation. How was Jakarta? Pergi tak ajak...Eh, let's plan a trip again together this time! Oohh you ordered that Pasta? Just like the one we had in Italy eh? Mi Amore! (in thick Malay slang). Eh, cukup ke tempat ni? Alah...boleh tarik kerusi karang.

Uh-oh...

True enough, 2 other guests from the Principality Of Poyo-ness arrived, armed with the standard issue business powertools i.e. superphones, man-bracelet, bad combination of attire etc.

By this time, it had turned into a sleaze circus. "I saved the best seat for you BRO", says Italian Guy, patting the hottest real estate in town, which happens to be the seat next to "I'm NOT from Kampung Baru!" gal, who was digging in to her Mi Amore! pasta, giggling in the attention being showered.

Mullet-head slid in and fit like a glove and announced his entrance with a few jokes about how he got lost getting there, which erupted the whole table with nervous, anxious, over-compensating-due-to-horniness laughter.

These 4 men were in their mid to late thirties. Obviously married, and loved giving attention to young girls as much as they crave on getting some. Middle management. Dato' ass kissers no doubt, and pulling rank whenever they can. Probably saved up for an E46 3 series (coz the pussies love em!) while their wives are left to fend off daily traffic with their Avanzas or Myvis.

Which led me and The Wife to start breaking down the unmistakable dynamics of the Sleazy Malay Businessmen Posse.

You see, there are specific positions to each SMBP. Each one essential to the successful puntering of unsuspecting (or usually willing) Sapa Bilang Gadis Melayu Tak Menawan.

Usually there are 4 key positions to be filled up:

1. The Fixer - The Fixer is usually the least good looking of the lot. Personable, easy going, and harmless enough for girls to get to know him. The Fixer connects with females fairly easily, using his bad jokes, semi-gay persona to gain contacts, trust and ultimately, the appointment. Fixers usually comes early. To assess and warm up the crowd. Usually starts with loser comments like "Pasta! Just like the one I had in Italy! Mi Amore!". The Fixer is the bridge and the key to a successful night of tongue wagging and ego boosts.

2. The Nice Guy - Usually the first guy to be introduced by The Fixer to the victims. Nice Guy sometimes has a middle parting hair, does not wear a power tie, has a firm handshake even with females, and is polite. Nice Guy solidifies that the crowd to be will be of good company and discerning taste. Nice Guy also completes the fantasy that rich businessmen can also be nice businessmen, and oh please let him be single so I can quit my job at Topshop and be a trophy wife.

3. The Bad Guy - Dresses better than the first 2, sits with his legs wider apart and drinks beer straight from the bottle. Laughs ever so slightly and mostly maintains intense eye contact when a lady is talking. To someone else. Always thinks he's being looked at so Bad Guy fidgets with his phone a lot. Reading imaginary messages sent to him by that singer he just dumped. Shares photos of nude celebrities on his phone to his buddies, claiming how he conned them into posing post coital at a nearby 5 star hotel. Bad Guy will usually pique the interest of the untamed hearts of his unsuspecting (or again, 100% willing) sacrificial lambs. This is the guy that can screw you silly at Concorde and make it home in time with some fruits for dessert and time to watch Tom Tom Bak with his 2 kids.

4. The Silent Killah - Silent Killah moves in mysterious ways in the crowd. He who talks the least, is the most capable to unleash the beast....when the time comes. Usually the best dressed in the crowd. Probably speaks better English. Sometimes you can hardly hear the extra "s" in any of his sentences (refer to previous blog). Sits quitely at the table, as the less he speaks, the more handsome he is perceived to be. Usually earns a bit more that the Tyrannical Trio, to the point that it's borderline smug. Smug enough to project that he could or should be somewhere much more important, but has unselfishly graced this special occassion to turn up the class. Confident to the point that he is willing to show pictures of his cute kids on his iPhone, and still imply that he wants to sleep with you after dessert with the flinch of his presumably deep set eyes. TSK also usually picks up the tab, and while doing so, listens intently for gasps of awe as he charges it to his Maybankard Gold Credit Card (not long before I'm Platinum!). Usually loses out to Bad Guy at first dibs, but silent enough to attack for sloppy seconds unbeknownst to the rest of the Posse.

So there you have it, my take on the dynamics of my misguided peopleS. Yes, with an extra S.

And after paying the bill for our dinner, we left the Sleaze Circus to proceed into the night, with each performer dazzling each other, with the hopes of ending up with something tighter, fitter, louder,richer for the night. I hope they would at least tapau something for the missus and kids back home.

How to be a Malay businessman

Sometimes I feel a bit out of place in meetings. Most times, I try my best to blend in so as to not offend or even make the other party feel awkward. Most people would feel out of place in a circle or in front of a foreign audience.

I on the other hand, sometimes find it difficult to blend into my own kind.

So today, I decided to sit down and go through the changes that I may need to consider to extricate myself from who I think I am, and delve into the makings of the ultimate Malay businessman.

Step 1: Grow a moustache, or simply shave my moustache and grow a pubic like goatee.

Step 2: Get a phone carrier that attaches to my belt. The bulkier the better.

Step 3: Invest in a silver bracelet. The chunkier the better.

Step 4: Pluralise words whenever I can. Example - "May I helps you?"

Step 5: Use a brown belt with black leather shoes

Step 6: Wear torquise colored shiny slacks and match them with pastel colored shirts

Step 7: Buy another handphone

Step 8: Use ultra cool colored lanyards for my security pass

Step 9: Keep a golf set in the trunk of my car - always

Step 10: Set my ring tone to the latest Maroon 5 hit

I guess that's all for stage 1 of my transformation required. The second phase of my transformation will go deep into communication language, semantics and intonation and not to forget physical gestures.

Stay tuned.\