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Tuesday, May 3, 2011

April


I was born on the 28th of April. April is a good month for me. And my adventures in April 2011 were no lesser than feschizzle. And I know I shouldn't start a sentence with the word 'And'. And I'm sorry, Cikgu Zuhuriah.

My wife bought me a Yamaha sound system. It looks awesome in my living room. I think the manual also says it can play sounds. But I like the beautiful silent types.

My family bought me a shiny blue bike. I had the privilege to choose it at the bike store. "You want a road bike?" asked my cyclemaster of a brother. "Nope" I said. "A racing bike?". "Nope" I repeated. I chose my shiny blue bike based on its awesomeness. It spoke to me, hanging up on that wall. I will make you look awesome. "Ride me, you viking" said the wench of a bike. Just like my very own personal Merlin, the pimply sales boy heeded my bidding and brought me my Excalibur. I rode it 2 days later. Wind in my face, spitting loose pebbles at the cats I whizzed past. I felt alive. I felt the freedom of the open road. But my balls hurt the next day.

I secretly sold my HTC Legend at a humiliating second hand price. I bought the HTC Desire S, although it hasn't launched officially in KL yet. The Chinese man at the booth was like a Shaman with magical powers. He sold me great power, that does not necessarily come with great responsibility. My magical phone has awesome powers now, such as throwing a variety of birds at wooden boxes, glass blocks, monkeys and evil frogs. And when my heart desires, I can summon free music from a mysterious source. It also comes with voice navigation, by someone that sounds like an expat's wife trying to negotiate in a pasar malam (Turn left at Jelen Toon Rezuck). Now I lead a secret double life. Posing as a Blackberry by day. And awesome bird catapult specialist, in toilet cubicles.

I bought a book written by an ex-Prime Minister. I try to read a chapter every night. I learn new things from this book. You can justify what a badass you were by writing a book about your bad ass-ness in future. Even the people that hated you will eventually buy your book to find out just how bad-ass you were. And later realise that you are SO bad ass, that you managed to rip them off of a hundred bucks without even getting your nearly 90 year old ass off of the couch. I hope my ass is as bad as that when I'm his age. I will laugh at everyone from the comfort of my kickass mansion, eating smoked salmon. Which I will call "gravad lax" just like Ikea does. Coz Im a bad ass that way.

Speaking of being a bad ass, this April was also the first month I lost my temper with a staff member. I ended the phone conversation by throwing my office phone all over my desk. Then I went to Wangsa Walk Mall and bought me some awesome looking, orange colored laptop speakers. I then rushed back to my office, switched on my Itunes and played songs by Korn out loud. I spent 79 bucks just to ensure that my other staff outside my room knew I was angry, instead of thinking I dropped my phone on the floor.

I also started on 2 freelance jobs back in the ad industry. One of them required me to present the campaign deck since I was a suit. I even wore a suit to the presentation to make sure they did not mistake me for anything other than a suit. Back at the lobby, passer-byes looked strangely at the odd man in the suit, in the hot sun along Lebuh Ampang, taking slow drags from his cigarette, imagining when Stirling Cooper was going to make him partner. Or fantasizing going back to an office filled with Joan Holloways, and celebratory single malt shots. My arm pits were damp under the suit. But Don Draper never gave a f*ck about his arm pits.

My wife also bought me an early anniversary present. It was a Puma watch that can read my heart rate by communicating wirelessly to a thingamajiggy that's strapped to my chest. Excited, I decided to try it at the gym that same night. I strapped the magic awesome chest strap around my upper torso under my gym t shirt. Upon reaching the gym, it was closed at 10pm when I thought it opened until midnight. Grumbling, I had to walk straight to the parking ticket machine. It was raining. I looked like I was wearing a bra from behind.

Now the month of May is upon me. Anniversary, wife's birthday and Mother's Day rolled into one. Luckily, I saved up enough money to buy the wife extraordinary gifts. My daughter is starting to role play and make up her own lyrics (and Middle Earth language). She's sleeping in between us tonight, with pig tails intact. The wife has dozed off after getting her fix of Unifi-downloaded god-knows-which-season-of-which-series.

It was a good April, thanks to them. And to my brother and sisters, mom and dad. April comes and goes, and hopefully the next ones will be just as satisfying. But hopefully, a bit easier on the balls.