Objects in the rear view mirror...

…may appear closer than they are. Sort of an apt saying to kick off the new year. Looking back, we had one helluva year in 2011 didn’t we? While the past was touted more as the year of the “leaks” (Assange, BP, Chef Riz’s resume) 2011 was more a tale of change, and those awkward moments when most of us would go “Hooray!” at first, “Ermmm” in the middle and unfortunately “Uh-oh…” towards the end.

Ousted Mubarak? Awesome. In it’s place is a shaky government, not knowing really what to do as they’ve been sitting around listening to the old geezer for the past 3 decades.

Found Gaddafi in a ditch? Rejoice! Now the 3^rd largest oil reserves are up for grabs for the next big thug to pillage.

Kim Jong Il died? Gom Bae (cheers)! Now we have his son in his place with a more illin’ haircut and probably a bigger bloodthirst for pulling the moon out of its orbit and hide it in North Korea.

Osama? Let’s not go there, shall we.

Truth is, 2011 was a year that had us sitting on the edge of our seats, jumping up to celebrate on occasion with short bursts and squeals of victory, and then watched in horror as the enemies scored an equaliser into the net every time in response.

Closer to home, KL city saw the promising start of an integrated, connected sky walk system being constructed, linking major shopping malls to…err, major shopping malls. Perhaps this is a precursor to what we can expect to happen during the next rainy season as we watched in horror when Kajang was half submerged in floodwater. Even Jalan Tun Razak wasn’t spared of flooding, but at least for the first time, there was an actual, physical reason that caused a traffic jam on Tun Razak.

We won the Tiger Cup, but we lost to Singapore for the World Cup qualifiers.

We launched a new Proton, and it looks like a Mitsubishi again.

The future always looked so promising back in 2011. But when we finally get there in the present, we end up checking our receipt to see if we’re actually paying for what we ordered before.

So let’s try to approach 2012 a bit more cautiously, I say. Avoid spasming into premature ejaculation the minute we think we’re gonna get laid.

That one night stand you were working towards might end up in a long term psychotic relationship.

Happy New Year!

2012 ReSOULutions

2011 was like a bad girlfriend for me. One that didn’t put out much or wouldn’t swallow, but still had me run around doing errands and forced me to get in touch with my inner feelings. Like a lesbianic transvestite, it propelled me to continuously roger myself for 12 months on end.

Therefore, 2012 will be touted as the year yours truly will do some soul searching. And with every other new year that comes along, a proper resolution is again needed, as a checklist of awesomeness to keep me in check. Because though you may not have noticed, I am an advocate of not just content with awesome, when I can awe-all.

So as I leave 2011 in the rear view mirror, here’s looking at the list of 30 important things I intend to achieve for daunting year ahead….

     1. Develop spidey-sense

     2. Stop ordering Pure Vanilla at Coffee Bean

     3. Try not to look like an angry gopher while cycling        uphill

     4. Add Julian Assange in my FB friends list

     5. Guess the name of Samsung Galaxy S II’s replacement model (Galaxy S IV? Galaxy S XII?)

     6. Become a YouTube singing sensation

     7. Catch a snatch thief

     8. Invest in a new BB….without buying a fancy cover for it

     9. Stop checking under hotel beds for dead corpses

     10. Get a Licence to Grill

     11. Master the art of jiggling my pectoral muscles

     12. Buy a samurai sword umbrella

     13. Memorise a Pitbull rap song

     14. Sing in my own voice when karaoke-ing

     15. Learn a more macho way of shooing a rabid dog from chasing me while cycling (in 2011 the benchmark was a frantic, gasping “Hoish! Hoish!”, scissor-kicking while trying to pedal with one leg)

     16. Learn how to dive head first into a swimming pool….gracefully.

     17. Stop verbally threatening my belly before doing sit ups at the gym (You gon’ dieeee mafakah!)

     18. Accept the fact that the perfect porn movie does not exist on BitTorrent

     19. Delete Foursquare app from phone

     20. Stop secretly watching Keeping up with the Kardashians

     21. Read a book when NOT taking a dump

     22. Realise that shaving pubes does not make me look like a porn star

     23. Learn to flip food in a frying pan

     24. Stop saying “Dunhill Lights 20 satu!” when buying ciggies

     25. Finish all levels of “The Biggest Loser” on my XBOX 360

     26. Learn to bowl like a man and spin that ball, b!tch

     27. Pop my knuckles without wincing in pain

     28. Stop inspecting freshly cut toenails and wondering how the corners turned green

     29. Learn to love taugeh

And last but not least…

     30. Stop writing nonsense to try and make sense of nonsense.

So here’s to a hectic wedding schedule for the 20^th of December 2012, as come 2013, there’ll be no more nonsense of “that cool wedding date” for people to antagonise their families and friends with. Now that, is something I’m definitely looking forward to for 2013!

Stay safe, stay whimsical and stay true to yourself, mafakahs. See you on the other side!