Since 2012 is the ominous year of the ancient Mayan prediction of the end of the world, then by all means this last Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be the standard conventional, pansy-ass, poofter of an event we men succumb to every year.
Maybe this year, my brothers, we should revisit the true meaning, history and origin of this blasphemous event, and go back to our roots of this obvious conspiracy against men-kind.
When contacted (via time machine), Claudius II (Roman Emperor, 270 AD) has this to say, “Back in our time, I did what I had to do and decreed that all young, able bodied men shouldn’t get married. Why? ‘Cause I knew better! And yeah, I also needed committed fighting machines to send to war who didn’t have to worry about writing love letters every night or call their bloody wives all the time! But did anybody listen? NooOOOo. Then that bloody Bishop Valentine had to go and performed secret weddings behind my back. 2 Ceasers later, the Roman Army was reduced to sagging masses of abused husbands and that was the fall of the Empire as we know it.”
Another (anonymous) respondent (circa Middle Ages) wrote in to say, “Back in our time, single men and women drew names from boxes to see who we get to hook up with. Not only did we have to wear their names on our sleeves for 2 weeks, we also got to get our groove on and not be frowned upon! Back then, it was the start of what you people now call swinging! Groovy baby yeaaaaaaaa!”
Digging a bit further, Kilgoran The Hunter (circa Ancient Rome) sent an email to explain how it all actually started, “Flowers and candy and candle-lit dinners? Maaaan have you guys got it bad! If you guys really have to know, this whole thing was called Lupercalia back in my day. It was a day when we feasted on mountains of food and alcohol, get freaky on the dancefloor in front of our huge bonfire, and fornicated with anything with a skirt on (or sexy wolf-pelt, which was the in thing then). All in the name of honouring our Pagan gods. So…yeah. Sorry, chaps”
So how did it ever get to where we are right now, brothers? When did it turn into pink cards and chocolates in boxes and set dinners at TGIF? Are there feminist conspiracies abound? Do Hallmark and Memory Lane actually control the social order of our planet for the past 100 years? Were they also responsible for Anniversaries too?
Somehow, everything that used to be manly about this day has been hidden, distorted, ignored, wiped out of our history books (or not shown on Discovery, or downloaded as an app, since most of us may not know what a book is nowadays). So much so that nearly all men-kind have never heard about the truth, the real truth and nothing but the truth.
That Casanova bought himself chocolates to make him virile so he could do as many chicks in a night. Nowadays we buy goddamned RM250 Patchi chocolates just to try and get laid.
That in medieval times, girls were fed bizzare foods on St. Valentine’s day so that they get so baked out of their brains in order to dream about future husbands in their sleep, and ultimately wake up the next day attacking the first person with a schlong to satisfy their urges.
If something did happen along the way, it sure wasn’t in our favour chaps. So I leave it to your imagination on how you’d want to approach what may very well be, your last Valentine’s Day this 2012. Who knows, your woman might like your new barbarian-like approach when you whisk her onto your shoulder and kick it old-school, Lupercalian-stylee with nothing more than a good stack of ribs and a six pack of San Miguel.
But just in case, send her flowers in the morning from blooming.com.my anyway. Cause you never know, those damn Mayans could be wrong…
Happy Valentine’s Day!
