A lot of my friends are getting married this year. Either they're 3 years late or I was 3 years early. There's nothing worse than to turn up at a buddy's wedding with a baby in tow. There'll always be 2 camps of friends at a wedding. One that snickers at the groom on his impending doom, and another that welcomes him with open arms. You know what they say, the more the merrier. But in most cases, these wishes by baby-toting husbands are more like cheese tied to a string leading into a box trap. Obviously with a baby as an accessory, you fall into the latter category.
But as a consolation, friends' weddings also serve as a time for people like me to find a desperate purpose. To put the experiences I went through to good use, and impart my newly found wisdom to the walking dead.
Marriage, my soon-to-be domesticated compadres, will ultimately amount to a game of numbers. A series of binaries that will distinguish your right to the bed or sofa, a night at Laundry or doing the laundry. It's about calculated risks, and how to manage them.
Sure, you may get all caught up in matrimonial afterglow - you sit down together, holding each other's hands, gazing into each other's eyes and list down a checklist of magical and wonderful things that you will do for each other, with unicorn rides into the sunset, baking carrot cakes together while you cuddle your unborn child within her glowing and growing belly.
You'll be the best husband ever! And she did a great job in moulding you since the engagement. She'll be the best wife in the world, and she can't wait to fill in the role of your very own Martha Stewart.
But what makes a good husband? By doing more than what a boyfriend does?
And what makes a good wife? By doing less than what a single, available woman would?
Wrong.
It's completely the other way round. At least to you, it is.
Husbands will ultimately justify their efforts into the marriage by what they're doing LESS than what they used to, not more. For example:
1. Less going out with the blokes
2. Less time on the PSP
3. Less drinking sessions
4. Less karaokeing sessions
5. Driving with less speed
6. Spending less on himself
7. Going out with the blokes but spending LESS time than usually before and coming back early
Wives, on the other hand, will compare that with what they're doing MORE of:
1. More time in the kitchen
2. More time sorting out the laundry
3. More time cleaning the house
4. More planning (equals less spontaneity)
5. More heart to heart discussions
6. More health conscious
7. More time at home.
And these are the numbers you'll automatically pull out when the honeymoon's over, and you're being questioned on your contribution to this matrimonial relationship.
And when you men start thinking of of what you're depriving yourself of, also think of what's added on her plate.
Then maybe, just maybe...you'll both see that Hubby needs to spend more time with his friends. And Wifey needs a break from the dishes.
So you can still come home at 3am, drunk driving while playing the PSP. And do the dishes.
Either way, you still lose, you jackass.
