Letter To My Son (Part 2)

...continued from previous post.

College & Pre-University (locally, no doubt)

It's OK to drive your mom's old car to college. Chances are I won't be getting you your own car until you've started working anyway. If it's a giant creaking 4x4 you can always make fun of it in front of your friends and call it the "fun mobile". This will earn you points for being the cool guy that isn't afraid of making fun of himself. Earn more points by offering to drive hotties and bros out during lunch breaks. Always remember that the farther away you drive out for lunch and the later you come back into class after, more rebel points are awarded.

In college, everyday is a fashion catwalk for girls while guys will usually try their best to look like "I just threw this on. Fuck it. Fuck the man!". Again, more brownie points.

Never try to grow a ponytail.

At this stage, girls will be more interested in yuppies, while you can score brownie points with high school chicks. However, should you try to woo a college girl, try and find one who has her own apartment. Cause you sure as hell ain't gettin one yet. Make sure you have enough dosh to take out a college girl. They will want to go to the hottest clubs, drink Brandy and Coke and be driven around and seen in nice cars. You can solve the first 2 criterias by working part time in a McDonald's or something, but you still ain't getting a nice car.

You will be introduced to the world of clubbing. For this activity, you will require clubbing clothes. Do not try to get fashion cues from college friends with self-proclaimed names like Jared Kwok, G-garan (self-proclaimed by Gunasegaran) or Shaz (aka Mohd. Shahrizal bin Jabar). If you have a prosperously proportioned tummy, avoid tight shirts.

Since you won't be showered with cash at this age, before entering into a club, please refrain from pooling money and counting it over and over with your buddies right outside the entrance.

Only eat the steamboat on a stick thingy AFTER you have finished your clubbing. And if you're not sober, avoid eating there alone. You may have the tendency to talk rubbish to strangers.

If you were hitting on a girl, wait until you have exposed her to sufficient lighting before deciding to take it to another level.

Keep in touch with librarian and prefect female friends from back in high school. 40% of them may have already progressed and improved. Some may have just found their true calling and after doing really well in SPM, will view college life as a second chance at social life. If they turn out hot, you should be the first to know in the market. Others will wonder where they came from and where you've been hiding her all this while.

You will be going for late night supper sessions. Please do not be seen in a Kancil with 6 other passengers.

Do not try to grow a moustache.

Do not try to modify your mom's car.

You will want to think of a way to host a kick-ass house party. I will do my best to catch you in the act and kick your ass in front of your guests. Think this over carefully. If you succeed, well done. Only let me know at least 3-5 years later.

If you still have not made out with a girl at this age, focus on your studies instead. Hopefully you'll graduate with honors, get a job that pays well and hope for the best that some girl will want you for your money.

University and Overseas Life

The money I give you for your expenditures there will never be enough. Therefore I will deposit them into an account and break them up into multiple Fixed Deposits which matures in 3 months, 6 months, 9 months and every 3 monthly intervals so that you won't overspend your budget. Do NOT dig into these accounts prematurely and fake their certs using photoshop to pass to me when I ask to see them.

Should you run out of money, go work illegally in a Chinese restaurant with minimum wage.

If you end up working illegally in a Chinese restaurant, avoid picking a fight with the cook from Mainland China named Bobby.

Do NOT ask me for USD3000 dollars to buy a car and then buy a Geo Metro 1.0 for USD1,200 and spend the rest on paintball gear.

If you intend to rent out your room to a female friend when you go back for summer holidays, make sure you hide all your porn collection.

Do not have a long distance relationship. You'll end up having an affair with your left or right hand most of the time.

If you're driving long distance in wintertime, avoid playing the "hey let's stick our heads out form the sunroof and see who lasts the longest!" game.

Weed sessions - When it's time to stop taking another hit - When you think that the Doritos that you're eating are travelling in your bloodstream and you're screaming for it to stop.

Make friends with other Malaysian geeks from and Ivy League University nearby. Invite them to stay over during summer holidays. Volunteer to cook dinner and lace the food with weed and entertain yourselves with the results for the rest of the night.

Some Social Etiquettes To Consider

If you're getting lucky in a club toilet cubicle, avoid wearing highly recognizable shoes and stick your feet out from under the cubicle.

Never drink 'Round The World' or 'Graveyard Shift' cocktails prior to breaking up with a chick.

Never leave right after. At least have a smoke and a 5 minute conversation.

A woman treats her body like a temple. And expects you to be a devout worshipper. But remember that some places of worship are open to public.

In Summary...

In summary Son, I guess there's nothing much left to say. I can only leave you to be on your way with some final words of advice, and hope that should I not be there by the time you read this, you can at least refer to this guide when going through all those stages. For everything else that are not covered in this guide, figure it out yourself. You'll be fine as long as think with your head, and react with your heart.

Trouble will come your way. You can never run away from them. When it comes to you, dive right in head first. Because getting into trouble is usually the fun part.

Don't try too hard to stay out of trouble, Son. Outlast them.

Enjoy.