My Oscar Acceptance Speech

If my life was a major motion picture, and it won an Oscar, what would my acceptance speech sound like? Maybe...

"Oh my God. I mean, 'whoa!'...this is outrageous. Right. First of, I'd like to tell you all about the wonderful journey that has been the making of this extraordinary film.

It all started sometime in July '78, where the idea of this story was probably conceived by 2 brilliant people, the legendary Mr. Sufian and the ever graceful Mrs. Mardiana. The concept was a no-brainer to decide on. Within a few minutes of negotiation, the team went straight into pre-production.

All it took was 9 months before the full development of the lead character's role was born. I remember the day of shooting for the first scene in a hospital location in Pudu. Though the producer was toiling away for several hours getting the scene to come out right, the director came on set a little late, and the first take was already done. And that was the beginning of thousands of brilliant cinematography work which took nearly 30 years in the making.

I'd like to thank Mrs. Jacob of Tinkerbell for the wonderful coaching on how to read the alphabets on the script, and learning to tell the time. The impromptu "hot cross buns" performance also helped to sharpen my skills as the lead role for the upcoming scenes.

A big thank you to Ms. Jayem for the piano lessons that gave me just enough skills to memorize Fur Elise, and use it as a cheesy tool to tickle the ivories whenever the opportunity struck within the confines of a piano/keyboard and a chick. Apologies for dropping out at Grade 3 and shifting over to the drums.

The highly engaging scene at the Ulu Kelang regional ping-pong tournament could not have been choreographed as immaculately as it did without the coaching of Encik Nasa, the ping-pong coach. Although my character had to lose to the flying chinese super twins (villains) from Rawang, it was one of the highlights of the film, especially when we were forced to wear the ever colorful girl's netball team jerseys for lack of funds.

A wonderful thank you to Encik Abdullah, for conceiving his daughter, which played the lead role of the love interest in the primary school scenes, and for then leaving the country with his daughter in tow so that my character could venture on to other pastures at the age of 13.

The High School scenes

The cast and crew at MYPM was a fantastic bunch to work with for 2 years, and special thanks goes to Encik Ismail Muzir, Aton, Ramli Jawi, the wardens Encik Razak and Ustaz Md Nor for whipping my character's ass into shape. To those playing the senior roles, my heartfelt thank you for kicking me in the ass when the situation required for it to be, you sons a bitches! Couldnt have made it through adulthood if you didn't. I'm also very sorry for throwing stones at Mr. Muzir's kids as they played in the backyard of the warden's old quarters of the old dorm.

When we changed location to Melawati (after being evicted off set from MYPM due to ridiculous reasons), the new production and cast went straight to work in progressing the newer scenes. The casino scene with Shahan and Anwar Mata at his apartment, the porn sessions at Usop's house, sleepovers in the tents at padang H and basketball at Aneil's, smoking up at Afat's stairwell, the scenes shot every weekend at Salem Power Station at Lot 10 were definitely memorable moments in filmmaking.

Special thanks goes out to the costume department at Jun Saito and Cardin House in Sungai Wang for the best designs in costume history. From the 20" bawah and lipat atas designs were definitely in-season styles for those scenes. And sorry for not agreeing with you guys on the "poket belakang Batman" designs.

The LimKokWing scenes

And who could forget the slutty gals (extras) in LimKokWing for those eye refreshing days when the scenes were getting tiresome. From bra-less tops to the shortest-shorts, it provided the perfect backdrop to the adolescent scenes. Also to more smoking up sessions at the stairwells of the Tun Razak and Taman Mayang sets. And Adrian's car was one of the best props we've ever worked with, since it could be started with just a set of folded scissors and it also had an ultra cool oscillating fan on the dashboard, which was a brilliant touch that made the scene perfect.

The Rhode Island scenes :

Thanks to Arthur, Payii, Yau and Kentaro for the good stuff, Farid for the Fifa 1998 and Tekken 2 sessions and Fahar for the clubbing and drunken scenes, especially the weird night out when 2 Malaysians sesat at a wet t shirt contest, front row and tak malu. The gaduh scene at the traffic light on the way home from clubbing at Thayer Street could have been an awesome one, but alas our senses came back to us and we decided to ditch the idea.

Thanks to Bobby the chinese restaurant cook for talking in a funny accent and blowing your top off whenever we called you names in the kitchen. You're still a babboon who cant cook for nuts.

No thanks to Mr. Boyscout who came from nowhere to Rhode Island and no thanks to Fahar who dumped him in my apartment where he spent the whole night talking while I tried to sleep in drunken stupor and ignore him.

No thanks to Farid that dragged all of us all the way to Philly with the promise of 'Hot Malaysian chicks from IRC!' and wound up with a decent nasi ayam meal, a cute pose with kittens, a weird night at a weird club (coz you didnt wear shoes!) and at least a trip to six flags after 19 hours of driving in winter and playing games through the sunroof.

Thanks to Mike Schiller and Chris for being terrible paintball coaches but cool weedsters to hang out with every weekend. At least team Naga got as far as 9th place at the New England Paintball League 1999.

A big thank you to Apai for freaking out after his first X and forced the whole crew to leave early from club Hell, only to find him dancing alone in the attic with the strobe light on 3 hours later, after claiming his first 'peak'.

The Advertising scenes (FCB)

I'd like to thank Mr. SP lee for his awkward pauses in our discussions, Mimi Mook for throwing JRs back to my face, the creative teams for accusing me of being the client's lackey and the production team that printed out my mailers in the wrong grammage. And to everyone for the drinking and party sessions

The Advertising scenes (Grey)

I'd like to thank Jeff Orr and Guan Hin for the awkward pauses in our discussions, Phelo for throwing JRs back to my face, the creative teams for accusing me of being the client's lackey and the production team that printed out my mailers in the wrong grammage. And to everyone for the drinking and party sessions. Special thanks to Kamal, Eddy, Steve, Pawan, Michael and Amos, my bros before hoes.

Special Mention

Special thanks goes out to the podium girls at Forum, Barbarran, Chinois, Nouvo and Ibiza.

And to wrap it up

To my supporting cast and crew, which includes my siblings and family, thank you for being there for the ups and downs, the highs and the lows.

And to my leading lady, I know you had to work a lot on my character development, but you gotta admit, the end result is a masterpiece.

And for my parting words, I'd like to announce that we have been working on production for the past 9 months, and will be debuting our new masterpiece in the next couple of days. She's going to be a winner, this one. Even though I've only seen the first few edits only, I'm pretty sure the finished product is going to be a beauty. This will be the start of an epic film.

Daddy can't wait to meet you for the first time, babe."

The Guy's Guide To Rules Of Engagement : Chapter 2 - Species In The Kingdom Of Eve (Part A : Office Chicks)

There's just one thing that you need to know about women : That there's more than just one thing you need to know about women.

Women come in all shapes and sizes. Some symmetrical, mostly abstract. Some too big, some just nice enough, some with expiry dates, some longer and some shorter than others.

They are so uniquely individual that it's hard NOT to generalise them.

Observations of Eve's army can vary between cultures and geographical locations. And by virtue of being the melting pot of South East Asia, KL girls are as categorically unique as they come.

This guide is to serve as a handy reference tool on your next birdwatching trip, and conveniently covered by specific locations and scenarios, for easy referencing.

Part A : Office Chicks

- The Powersuit. Eats trainees for breakfast and shits them back out after her morning coffee and ciggie break just so that she can piss on them at exactly 5:28pm. Comes pre-attached with backstabbing knives mostly aimed at less stylish but hardworking female managers. Loves to have power lunches at Alexis or Lemon Garden 2 Go (Shang) with higher ranking male executives and willing to stuff a cigar in her mouth just to be one of the boys. Some have been known to be willing to stuff one of the boys' cigars in her mouth as well. Mostly dressed in black and carries cellphones that slide out with a loud "clack" sound effect. and likes to talk loudly with a lit cigarette (Marlboro Menthol Lights) stuck between her fingers, attached to arms that flail around in visually trying to prove her point to the other person on the line. Chinese ones are usually named Pearly or Arianna; Malay ones Marsila or Shirene, and Indian ones Anita or Geetha. Usually calls people "babes". Tapaus nasi lemak only for her posse of female powersuits, of which they secretly harbour dark and deep plans of outstabbing each other while they chat about which podium they danced on on Heritage Row last weekend.

- The Office Slut. Easy to spot. Easy to notice. Easy. Unlike your common slut, Office Sluts are a bit more focused in the direction of their skills. Ambitious to the point that she will usually want to be on top of everything important. Has no problems in riding it hard all way to the top. Highly adaptable to office environments and are able to work in the pantry, stairwell, staff lounge, toilets and nearby hotels if required. Usually wears clothes that look like their sewn to her body. Tapaus food from nasi campur stalls when the boss' wife is around. Office sluts usually has a medical condition which only allows their body to only bend more than 45% forward when setting documents on their boss' desk. Usually named Zaza, Nana, Lala, Zoey or Shiela.

- The Lonely Accountant. Usually bespectacled and sporting a hairband, spends lonely afternoons in her cubicle of fantasizing about magically transforming herself into a vixen with the flick of her glasses and a ruffle of her hairband-less hair, transfixing the jocks in the marketing department. Deems her collection of Mills and Boon stories as the ultimate porn and always has one stashed in her locked drawer for guilty reading pleasure sessions alone with her Pandan Kaya Bun and Spritzer. Usually called Cynthia, Mabel, Zanariah or Sheetal. Ultra Visible Panty Lines under her A line skirt or carrot cut pants. Revengeful during P&L meetings at the end of the year by subtly attempting to get Powersuits fired, but mostly friendly enough to go out for lunch outings with the Office Slut, while carefully observing and taking notes for her next internet role play webcam orgy session at home.

- The Awek Admin Dah Kawin. Usually Malay. Although married, constantly speaks about her ronggeng sessions with a male 'best friend' that the husband knows about, so don't worry. Usually seen kissing her husband's hand as she is being dropped off at the office, right before sneaking out her pack of cigarettes from her secret stash and kicking off the morning gossip for the day. Cleverly adapted names such as Arinz from Nor Sarinah or Kak Jam from Jamilah. Dyed haircolor. Calls other women "nyah", "mek" or "Nok". Uses key words like "That's mean" most of the time and is the center of nearly every political plot in the office. Interestingly enough, most people will trust her with information in exchange for everyone else's information. President of the office CNN (Cibai News Network) and has carefully recorded information on every boardmember's tryst with the Powersuits and Office Sluts, which she plans to use for a rainy day.

The Guy's Guide to Rules of Engagement : Chapter 1 - Clubbing

At any point in time, somewhere around the world a party is kickin. The music's pumping, the lines are getting longer, the crowd steadily throbbing to what looks like a crazy night ahead.

But how well prepared are you, my Y chromosomal compadre, in dealing with the intricacies of proper clubbing etiquette?

Whether the objective of the night is to hook up or drink up, get down or go down at the end of the night there are a few basic etiquettes to adhere to ensure that you pull it off with a touch of class and that much needed pizzazz....

Etiquette 1 : Entry

Never enter into a club with a pre-set dance move. Avoid announcing your entry with a badly choreographed dance move with your buddies while gesturing to hot women by snapping your fingers, winking and pointing at them seductively

Etiquette 2 : Finding a Parking Spot

If you don't have any reservations for a table, that means you have to find a suitable Parking Spot. If your posse comprises of 3 people or less, you are allowed to park yourself by the bar. By doing so, avoid standing around with hands in your pockets and leaning against the counter, facing the dancefloor. Keep yourselves looking busy by ordering drinks, pretending to chat about worldly topics while taking slow drags from your cigarette. While doing so you may subtly scour the bar area for potential hook ups. If you really need to check out the dancefloor, avoid standing in a row and making it a spectator sport. Best to keep your targets confined to the bar area first at this point. If you see anyone you like from across the bar, lift your drink and give a wink. This will be the first of your many winks for the night.

Etiquette 3 : A table is available

A table may be available by virtue of a friend who's booked in advance. Gain entry by nonchalantly ambling over to it and faking a surprised expression. Never walk over empty handed. At least have a drink in hand Once you've slipped into the group unnoticed, refrain from being the life of the party for the time being and gain acceptance by having serious conversations to people in the group.

Never scoop ice from the ice bucket with your hands at least until everyone has had their fourth of fifth drink and too sloshed to care. For the first few drinks, use the proper tools provided, no matter how tricky it is to use that bloody penyepit.

Etiquette 4 : The Wingman

The Wingman is an unwritten rule that must be honored between the brotherhood of man. Upon entering a club with your buddy, the designated Wingman for the night will be dependant on who hits on a hot chick first. For example, Buddy A and Buddy B turn up at a club, and Buddy A starts hitting on Hottie A. Hottie A is giving positive signals to Buddy A. But Hottie A has her best friend called Fattie B. Buddy B automatically assumes the Wingman position for the night. It is a Wingman's unquestionable duty to ensure that Buddy A's path of destruction is cleared for take off, with no obstacles by Fattie B. Fattie B will pose a big threat to Buddy A's chances. Examples of Fattie B's will usually inspect every drink offered by Buddy A by sniffing it out for date rape drugs and insistently think of every possible excuse to bring Hottie A safely back home.

In kamikaze like fashion, it is the Wingman's duty to distract Fattie B from becoming a nuisance. This may even lead to extreme situtaions such as actually pretending to hit on Fattie B amorously, to boost her self esteem and therefore divert her attention to her own chances of getting lucky. Wingmen may also end up taking a bullet for a brother by taking Fattie B's home for the night, which is considered the ultimate sacrifice. In return, the honorable sacrifice is forbidden to be mentioned, ever again.

Etiquette 5 : Quality Control

A good way of maintaining QC is by going to the toilet and washing your face every 15 minutes. Be mindful that the girl you were gyrating with on the dancefloor may look very different after a sobering up in the loo. This will ensure that you always keep yourself in check. Otherwise, should you notice that your friends are pointing at you and laughing, do a double take on your dancing partner just to be sure. If you notice a friend from your posse dancing with a giraffe or a hippo, it's in the best collective interest of the group that you flag him in and debrief him on his flailing mission status.

Etiquette 6 : The Sandwich

Being sandwiched by 2 girls on the dancefloor is allowed. Sandwiching a girl with your sweaty buddy is not.

Etiquette 7 : Attacking From The Flank

The need may arise to hit on a girl from another table. Try not to seduce her with stylish dance moves. Instead, make eye contact from across the sofa and call a waiter to pretend to order something. if you'e minted, go ahead and order a Moet. If strapped for cash, you can still pull it off by whispering another order of Coke mixer and end the order with a cool handshake with the waiter to suggest your status as a regular VIP. Do all that while having a lit cigarette skilfully balanced on your lips. As soon as you notice that you're noticed, amble over to her while pretentiously saying hello and kissing girls on the cheek as you pass them walking towards her.

Etiquette 8 : Podium Protocol

Never dance on the podium. Instead, go after the podium girls. Once you've positioned yourself right beneath her, never dance facing a podium girl. Always have your back to them, turning to face them at specific intervals to make eye contact. Pretend that you couldn't care less. Never form a group of worshippers at the base of the podium with your posse. Especially if you're trying to get her attention by dancing with other men.

Etiquette 9 : The Sneak Attack

You can perform a Sneak Attack by dancing back to back with the target, bumping every now and then to the beat. If she doesn't move away, swiftly turn 180 degrees and attempt the sneak attack by dancing with her from behind. In this position, try your best to avoid dancing with your hips in a thrusting motion.

Etiquette 10 : Toilet Tact

If there are 3 urinals in the toilet, and urinal no. 1 is occupied, never go for urinal no. 2. Always skip a urinal if others are available. It is law.

Etiquette 11 : Allow For Sufficient Lighting

Once you've hooked up with someone, allow sufficient lighting before going back together. In case you only find out too late that the zookeepers left the cage open earlier today, when the lights go on and the club is closing, you may require an exit plan.

Etiquette 12 : No One Gets Left Behind

Never leave a man down. Whether passed out at the urinal or unknowingly drunk in the clutches of a Giraffe impersonating to be a woman, it is every man's duty to ensure his posse leaves intact. Or at least with their modesty intact.

Good luck.

Letter To My Son (Part 2)

...continued from previous post.

College & Pre-University (locally, no doubt)

It's OK to drive your mom's old car to college. Chances are I won't be getting you your own car until you've started working anyway. If it's a giant creaking 4x4 you can always make fun of it in front of your friends and call it the "fun mobile". This will earn you points for being the cool guy that isn't afraid of making fun of himself. Earn more points by offering to drive hotties and bros out during lunch breaks. Always remember that the farther away you drive out for lunch and the later you come back into class after, more rebel points are awarded.

In college, everyday is a fashion catwalk for girls while guys will usually try their best to look like "I just threw this on. Fuck it. Fuck the man!". Again, more brownie points.

Never try to grow a ponytail.

At this stage, girls will be more interested in yuppies, while you can score brownie points with high school chicks. However, should you try to woo a college girl, try and find one who has her own apartment. Cause you sure as hell ain't gettin one yet. Make sure you have enough dosh to take out a college girl. They will want to go to the hottest clubs, drink Brandy and Coke and be driven around and seen in nice cars. You can solve the first 2 criterias by working part time in a McDonald's or something, but you still ain't getting a nice car.

You will be introduced to the world of clubbing. For this activity, you will require clubbing clothes. Do not try to get fashion cues from college friends with self-proclaimed names like Jared Kwok, G-garan (self-proclaimed by Gunasegaran) or Shaz (aka Mohd. Shahrizal bin Jabar). If you have a prosperously proportioned tummy, avoid tight shirts.

Since you won't be showered with cash at this age, before entering into a club, please refrain from pooling money and counting it over and over with your buddies right outside the entrance.

Only eat the steamboat on a stick thingy AFTER you have finished your clubbing. And if you're not sober, avoid eating there alone. You may have the tendency to talk rubbish to strangers.

If you were hitting on a girl, wait until you have exposed her to sufficient lighting before deciding to take it to another level.

Keep in touch with librarian and prefect female friends from back in high school. 40% of them may have already progressed and improved. Some may have just found their true calling and after doing really well in SPM, will view college life as a second chance at social life. If they turn out hot, you should be the first to know in the market. Others will wonder where they came from and where you've been hiding her all this while.

You will be going for late night supper sessions. Please do not be seen in a Kancil with 6 other passengers.

Do not try to grow a moustache.

Do not try to modify your mom's car.

You will want to think of a way to host a kick-ass house party. I will do my best to catch you in the act and kick your ass in front of your guests. Think this over carefully. If you succeed, well done. Only let me know at least 3-5 years later.

If you still have not made out with a girl at this age, focus on your studies instead. Hopefully you'll graduate with honors, get a job that pays well and hope for the best that some girl will want you for your money.

University and Overseas Life

The money I give you for your expenditures there will never be enough. Therefore I will deposit them into an account and break them up into multiple Fixed Deposits which matures in 3 months, 6 months, 9 months and every 3 monthly intervals so that you won't overspend your budget. Do NOT dig into these accounts prematurely and fake their certs using photoshop to pass to me when I ask to see them.

Should you run out of money, go work illegally in a Chinese restaurant with minimum wage.

If you end up working illegally in a Chinese restaurant, avoid picking a fight with the cook from Mainland China named Bobby.

Do NOT ask me for USD3000 dollars to buy a car and then buy a Geo Metro 1.0 for USD1,200 and spend the rest on paintball gear.

If you intend to rent out your room to a female friend when you go back for summer holidays, make sure you hide all your porn collection.

Do not have a long distance relationship. You'll end up having an affair with your left or right hand most of the time.

If you're driving long distance in wintertime, avoid playing the "hey let's stick our heads out form the sunroof and see who lasts the longest!" game.

Weed sessions - When it's time to stop taking another hit - When you think that the Doritos that you're eating are travelling in your bloodstream and you're screaming for it to stop.

Make friends with other Malaysian geeks from and Ivy League University nearby. Invite them to stay over during summer holidays. Volunteer to cook dinner and lace the food with weed and entertain yourselves with the results for the rest of the night.

Some Social Etiquettes To Consider

If you're getting lucky in a club toilet cubicle, avoid wearing highly recognizable shoes and stick your feet out from under the cubicle.

Never drink 'Round The World' or 'Graveyard Shift' cocktails prior to breaking up with a chick.

Never leave right after. At least have a smoke and a 5 minute conversation.

A woman treats her body like a temple. And expects you to be a devout worshipper. But remember that some places of worship are open to public.

In Summary...

In summary Son, I guess there's nothing much left to say. I can only leave you to be on your way with some final words of advice, and hope that should I not be there by the time you read this, you can at least refer to this guide when going through all those stages. For everything else that are not covered in this guide, figure it out yourself. You'll be fine as long as think with your head, and react with your heart.

Trouble will come your way. You can never run away from them. When it comes to you, dive right in head first. Because getting into trouble is usually the fun part.

Don't try too hard to stay out of trouble, Son. Outlast them.

Enjoy.

A Letter To My Son

Hey Son,

At the exact moment I'm typing out this letter, you haven't been born yet. In fact, you haven't even been conceived yet. We (your parents) are just a month away from delivering your big sister into the world, and at this point your mom doesn't even want to even think about making you yet.

But I guess it's never too soon to write a letter to you. Can't blame your old man for being such a boy scout, but you know, with all the 30 somethings dropping dead recently, I may just have a coronary after an ejaculation years from now or something and that would have ended up being you. Then I would eternally be responsible for whether you turned up screwed up in the head. Or not. And since you're carrying my genes, I ain't takin any chances, kid.

If I'm still around while you're reading this post, then feel free to ask me any additional questions or references. If you've just started to learn to read (which makes you about 5 or 6 I hope) and managed to get on to this site, don't tell your mother. And ONLY check with ME on certain words that you find in here that you're not sure about. When mom's not around.

So.

I wanted to write you this letter. As your guide in life. Because unless you're biologically structured to grow up gay, there are certain things that boys will inevitably do. You will find yourself in specific situations that are doomed to repeat themselves from generation to generation. This letter is meant to prepare you for those situations, either to keep you far away from harm, humiliation, pain and/or suffering.

These, son, are my guides to each of your life stages.

Kindergarten

Never pick a fight with the girls. They are usually bigger than boys at that age. And they would have already learned the meaning of travelling in packs. If you call them names, they will not retaliate as a solitary unit. They will gang up on you, and even beat you up. Once that happens, your end of the year concerts will never be the same again. You will be unpopular, and never be picked to be the teapot for the "I'm a little teapot, short and stout" scene.

Primary / Elementary School

If you have to wear glasses, please insist that your parent(s) get you frames that are in fashion. Do NOT listen to your mother when she says that the bigger the frame and lenses, the better you get to see. You may see better, but people wouldn't want to be seen with you. They will not pick you to be in the soccer team. They will not pick you to be on the hockey team. Instead, you will be on the ping pong and handball team. The ping pong team may not even have a budget to buy jerseys. You may end up having to wear the netball team jerseys. So choose your glasses carefully.

If you like a girl, don't get your friends to tell her and then avoid her for 3 years. You will find out one day the you'll have to chase them all your life. Better to get a headstart. Be careful of the hottest girl in primary school. They usually end up being sluts in high school (not so bad - invest early) and finally being fat, married early and running a laundromat after flunking college. Go for the cute ones. Especially prefects, since nice girls tend to grow up being more liberated and experimental in high school.

If your friend suggests that you try lighting up his dad's ciggarette, try not to. Chances are I'll find out anyway and whoop your ass. If you do, though, don't waste your time brushing your teeth 3 times and sucking on Hacks before me or your mom gets home coz we'll still know and whoop your ass harder for doing it, and tryinna hide it like an ass. Eat spicy food instead. And drink Lassi (as if your ass can afford one with the pocket money I'm giving you) What I won't know won't hurt me. Or you for that matter.

If you're thinking of joining the boy scouts, be careful who you sleep in a tent with. Most of them may turn out gay 10 years later. Focus your attention only on survival skills and how to pitch a tent. Make sure at this age none of your friends ask you to check out how they pitched their tents in their pants. If they do, kick them in the nuts, leave the boy scouts and go lift up a girls skirt as soon as you can. Your friends may mock you for joining the boy scouts, so counteract them by getting as many contacts with the girl guides as possible. You may need them 3-5 years later.

Do not accept any recommendations of being the class monitor. It's just a propaganda position where you'll only end up taking and sending the class attendance book from the teacher's room, announce the arrival and departure of each teacher in class, and you get to write names of noisy classmates on the blackboard. (x2 if theyre noisy twice!). You will be perceived as the teacher's pet and slaveboy, which will only make you try harder to be corrupt to be accepted by your peers. You'll start taking bribes for the list of names that go on or off that blackboard.

Never come to school with shoes that are too white. Make sure you don't make 'em too white when you kapur your kasut. If they are, scrape them around in the dirt a bit before going into school.

Never, ever pick on kids that are less fortunate than you. You may be an either a smartass or a jackass, but no son of mine is a pompous bastard with no heart. That's just lame. By all means pick on other kids who are pompous bastards.

Never start a fight. Always end one.

A girl will tell you she likes you. If you like her and she's hot, go ahead and announce it to the world. If she's not and you don't like her, don't be mean to her. Making fun of her in front of your friends just to maintain your cool is uncool. Be polite and decline. For one fine day she may grow up to be hot librarian or something. They will remember your kindness and double the returns if you're lucky.

Don't call up girls and ask them if they've grown any pubic hair yet.

High School

Don't be too dumb, but don't be too smart either. If you're too dumb, chances are most people will beat you up. If you're too smart, same thing. Be smart, but dumb it down a little. This way the freaks and geeks will help you with school, and the dudes and bros will help you with the cool. Be a friend to everyone, but know when to be with who and where and how. Study with the brainiacs after school, but roll with the boys for the rest of the time.

Never date a girl who's dated your buddy. This is illegal. You shall not go for sloppy seconds. Unless you manage to get to one base more than your buddy. If he got to second, you better go for third. If you plan to do this, make sure you're confident enough you can pull it off. If not, stay away and go after another.

Kiss and tell.

If you really need to experiment, only go for what mother nature provided. Nothing white, blue or capsulated. And for heaven's sakes, do it with class, and not out of something makeshift from a coke bottle and from a papaya tree. And not at some rempit locales like in the semak somewhere. Do it somewhere safe, where you won't do something stupid like cross a road or something. If by any chance you were doing it in a friend's house and his mom comes back early, avoid accepting her invitation for some snacks in the living room. You will act stupid and she will notice. And call your mom.

If your'e sleeping over at a friend's and plan to spy on his neighbor taking her clothes off, make sure the room you're spying from have the lights off, idiot.

If you're planning to sneak out his dad's or MY car, you may notice that the steering lock obstacle can be solved by getting an allen key and removing and reattaching the steering wheel. But you may forget about the mileage and gas metres, smartass. I will find out and you'll get your ass whooped.

Date at least 2 girls who are not from your school. You can lie more to your friends about them and it'll be harder for them to validate your claims.

If I forced you to take up tae kwon do in primary school, know that your "patterns" are no match for 15 mat rempits with helmets and kayu beluti's (very painful).

If you're gonna smoke with the boys in the toilet, try your best not to be last in line. The ciggie butt will be disgustingly soggy by the time it's your turn. You'll burn your fingers from the hot ciggie butt when you inhale.

Be friends with nerdy prefects or librarian girls. If you have been practising this since primary school, be patient and continue on...trust me you'll reap the benefits later on in life once the hotties have gone past their prime. You will understand the meaning of late bloomers and the wonders they are capable of in due time. For now, be friendly to everyone.

If you're gonna blow up a toilet appliance using a time-rigged explosive set to trigger during morning assembly, try not to laugh out the hardest or wave your hand in the air victoriously. You will be noticed.

One of the girls you know may be going through a lesbian phase. Find out who and maintain contact with her until you're in college. You'll thank me later.

To be continued....