The Guy's Guide to Rules of Engagement : Chapter 1 - Clubbing

At any point in time, somewhere around the world a party is kickin. The music's pumping, the lines are getting longer, the crowd steadily throbbing to what looks like a crazy night ahead.

But how well prepared are you, my Y chromosomal compadre, in dealing with the intricacies of proper clubbing etiquette?

Whether the objective of the night is to hook up or drink up, get down or go down at the end of the night there are a few basic etiquettes to adhere to ensure that you pull it off with a touch of class and that much needed pizzazz....

Etiquette 1 : Entry

Never enter into a club with a pre-set dance move. Avoid announcing your entry with a badly choreographed dance move with your buddies while gesturing to hot women by snapping your fingers, winking and pointing at them seductively

Etiquette 2 : Finding a Parking Spot

If you don't have any reservations for a table, that means you have to find a suitable Parking Spot. If your posse comprises of 3 people or less, you are allowed to park yourself by the bar. By doing so, avoid standing around with hands in your pockets and leaning against the counter, facing the dancefloor. Keep yourselves looking busy by ordering drinks, pretending to chat about worldly topics while taking slow drags from your cigarette. While doing so you may subtly scour the bar area for potential hook ups. If you really need to check out the dancefloor, avoid standing in a row and making it a spectator sport. Best to keep your targets confined to the bar area first at this point. If you see anyone you like from across the bar, lift your drink and give a wink. This will be the first of your many winks for the night.

Etiquette 3 : A table is available

A table may be available by virtue of a friend who's booked in advance. Gain entry by nonchalantly ambling over to it and faking a surprised expression. Never walk over empty handed. At least have a drink in hand Once you've slipped into the group unnoticed, refrain from being the life of the party for the time being and gain acceptance by having serious conversations to people in the group.

Never scoop ice from the ice bucket with your hands at least until everyone has had their fourth of fifth drink and too sloshed to care. For the first few drinks, use the proper tools provided, no matter how tricky it is to use that bloody penyepit.

Etiquette 4 : The Wingman

The Wingman is an unwritten rule that must be honored between the brotherhood of man. Upon entering a club with your buddy, the designated Wingman for the night will be dependant on who hits on a hot chick first. For example, Buddy A and Buddy B turn up at a club, and Buddy A starts hitting on Hottie A. Hottie A is giving positive signals to Buddy A. But Hottie A has her best friend called Fattie B. Buddy B automatically assumes the Wingman position for the night. It is a Wingman's unquestionable duty to ensure that Buddy A's path of destruction is cleared for take off, with no obstacles by Fattie B. Fattie B will pose a big threat to Buddy A's chances. Examples of Fattie B's will usually inspect every drink offered by Buddy A by sniffing it out for date rape drugs and insistently think of every possible excuse to bring Hottie A safely back home.

In kamikaze like fashion, it is the Wingman's duty to distract Fattie B from becoming a nuisance. This may even lead to extreme situtaions such as actually pretending to hit on Fattie B amorously, to boost her self esteem and therefore divert her attention to her own chances of getting lucky. Wingmen may also end up taking a bullet for a brother by taking Fattie B's home for the night, which is considered the ultimate sacrifice. In return, the honorable sacrifice is forbidden to be mentioned, ever again.

Etiquette 5 : Quality Control

A good way of maintaining QC is by going to the toilet and washing your face every 15 minutes. Be mindful that the girl you were gyrating with on the dancefloor may look very different after a sobering up in the loo. This will ensure that you always keep yourself in check. Otherwise, should you notice that your friends are pointing at you and laughing, do a double take on your dancing partner just to be sure. If you notice a friend from your posse dancing with a giraffe or a hippo, it's in the best collective interest of the group that you flag him in and debrief him on his flailing mission status.

Etiquette 6 : The Sandwich

Being sandwiched by 2 girls on the dancefloor is allowed. Sandwiching a girl with your sweaty buddy is not.

Etiquette 7 : Attacking From The Flank

The need may arise to hit on a girl from another table. Try not to seduce her with stylish dance moves. Instead, make eye contact from across the sofa and call a waiter to pretend to order something. if you'e minted, go ahead and order a Moet. If strapped for cash, you can still pull it off by whispering another order of Coke mixer and end the order with a cool handshake with the waiter to suggest your status as a regular VIP. Do all that while having a lit cigarette skilfully balanced on your lips. As soon as you notice that you're noticed, amble over to her while pretentiously saying hello and kissing girls on the cheek as you pass them walking towards her.

Etiquette 8 : Podium Protocol

Never dance on the podium. Instead, go after the podium girls. Once you've positioned yourself right beneath her, never dance facing a podium girl. Always have your back to them, turning to face them at specific intervals to make eye contact. Pretend that you couldn't care less. Never form a group of worshippers at the base of the podium with your posse. Especially if you're trying to get her attention by dancing with other men.

Etiquette 9 : The Sneak Attack

You can perform a Sneak Attack by dancing back to back with the target, bumping every now and then to the beat. If she doesn't move away, swiftly turn 180 degrees and attempt the sneak attack by dancing with her from behind. In this position, try your best to avoid dancing with your hips in a thrusting motion.

Etiquette 10 : Toilet Tact

If there are 3 urinals in the toilet, and urinal no. 1 is occupied, never go for urinal no. 2. Always skip a urinal if others are available. It is law.

Etiquette 11 : Allow For Sufficient Lighting

Once you've hooked up with someone, allow sufficient lighting before going back together. In case you only find out too late that the zookeepers left the cage open earlier today, when the lights go on and the club is closing, you may require an exit plan.

Etiquette 12 : No One Gets Left Behind

Never leave a man down. Whether passed out at the urinal or unknowingly drunk in the clutches of a Giraffe impersonating to be a woman, it is every man's duty to ensure his posse leaves intact. Or at least with their modesty intact.

Good luck.