2011 was like a bad girlfriend for me. One that didn’t put out much or wouldn’t swallow, but still had me run around doing errands and forced me to get in touch with my inner feelings. Like a lesbianic transvestite, it propelled me to continuously roger myself for 12 months on end.
Therefore, 2012 will be touted as the year yours truly will do some soul searching. And with every other new year that comes along, a proper resolution is again needed, as a checklist of awesomeness to keep me in check. Because though you may not have noticed, I am an advocate of not just content with awesome, when I can awe-all.
So as I leave 2011 in the rear view mirror, here’s looking at the list of 30 important things I intend to achieve for daunting year ahead….
1. Develop spidey-sense
2. Stop ordering Pure Vanilla at Coffee Bean
3. Try not to look like an angry gopher while cycling uphill
4. Add Julian Assange in my FB friends list
5. Guess the name of Samsung Galaxy S II’s replacement model (Galaxy S IV? Galaxy S XII?)
6. Become a YouTube singing sensation
7. Catch a snatch thief
8. Invest in a new BB….without buying a fancy cover for it
9. Stop checking under hotel beds for dead corpses
10. Get a Licence to Grill
11. Master the art of jiggling my pectoral muscles
12. Buy a samurai sword umbrella
13. Memorise a Pitbull rap song
14. Sing in my own voice when karaoke-ing
15. Learn a more macho way of shooing a rabid dog from chasing me while cycling (in 2011 the benchmark was a frantic, gasping “Hoish! Hoish!”, scissor-kicking while trying to pedal with one leg)
16. Learn how to dive head first into a swimming pool….gracefully.
17. Stop verbally threatening my belly before doing sit ups at the gym (You gon’ dieeee mafakah!)
18. Accept the fact that the perfect porn movie does not exist on BitTorrent
19. Delete Foursquare app from phone
20. Stop secretly watching Keeping up with the Kardashians
21. Read a book when NOT taking a dump
22. Realise that shaving pubes does not make me look like a porn star
23. Learn to flip food in a frying pan
24. Stop saying “Dunhill Lights 20 satu!” when buying ciggies
25. Finish all levels of “The Biggest Loser” on my XBOX 360
26. Learn to bowl like a man and spin that ball, b!tch
27. Pop my knuckles without wincing in pain
28. Stop inspecting freshly cut toenails and wondering how the corners turned green
29. Learn to love taugeh
And last but not least…
30. Stop writing nonsense to try and make sense of nonsense.
So here’s to a hectic wedding schedule for the 20th of December 2012, as come 2013, there’ll be no more nonsense of “that cool wedding date” for people to antagonise their families and friends with. Now that, is something I’m definitely looking forward to for 2013!
Stay safe, stay whimsical and stay true to yourself, mafakahs. See you on the other side!
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