Be My Valentine

Love is in the air! Seems like a small consolation after finding out how small that bonus figure looked like in your January payslip. But who cares right? All you need is love, tad-tadadat-taaaa…love, love is all you need….

Wrong.

I remember what it was like on Valentine’s Day when I was an SAE back in my advertising days (Single And Eligible, not Senior Account Executive). 12 years later I bet my bottom dollar that time, technology and even the Suzuki Cup have done very little to change what the average Joe goes through during V-day.

If you’re single, it’s time to get yourselves a willing Valentine’s Day date. How? Simple. Just be funny, strong, gentle, respectful, career oriented, chivalrous, smart, witty, boy next door, chiseled, muscular, chubby and get an eight-pack set of abs. Done deal, no sweat - Unless you hit a minimum of 6 of those criterias, just go out with your (pri)mates, order 2 graveyard shifts and hope that one of your drunk dials will score you a free pass to some unfortunate colleague/highschool mate/uni mate/ mate’s ex gf’s rumpus room.

If you’re dating someone, start by logging on to your Maybank2u.com account and weep inconsolably for 5 minutes. After which, start Googling on “creative ways to surprise her on Valentine’s Day” (read: “V-Day ideas for the credit-challenged twat”) . But in all honesty, your girlfriends will tell you it’s not about the money. It’s the thought that counts. Like surprising her. With a blindfold. And a plane ride to a secret location. Which hopefully (she bemuses) is a secluded hilltop villa with spa packages in tow. Or a marriage proposal from the heart. The same heart that was wise enough to reason with yourself that if she was really worth it, you’d get her that 3 carat piss-in-your-pants yellow diamond to show her just how much you know that money is no object, and that it’s the thought that counts - Her thoughts, as long as you subliminally obey.

If you’re married, start your V-Day planning by throwing away your Sport Rims catalogue, Stuff magazine’s “2011 gadgets to look out for “ issue and delete HTC.com from your Google Chrome bookmark. Then choose any of the 4 B’s – Bling, Bag, Blooming.com.my or Bali. Failure to do so will result in you getting your own dose of 4B’s – Blue balls, Baby Duty, Berleter and Bo-Layan.

Though there are many theories on where and how Valentine’s Day originated from, here’s one very likely version that men-kind are probably beginning to believe…

“ Valentine's Day was manufactured in order to displace the pagan holiday Feast of Lupercalia, an honor to the Goddess Juno - the Goddess of women and marriage. During the festival, women would write billets (love letters) and leave them for men to draw – lottery style”.

Happy Valentine’s Day and good luck! (And God help us all).