The Guy’s Guide to New Age Xmas Glossary Terms for Festive Hook-ups

Christmas is in the air! How can we tell with no white xmas to even dream off in this god awful hot & damp weather, though? In Malaysia it’s easy enough. Just walk by any major departmental store to get updated on what festive season is happening soon. Whether Hari Raya, Deepavali, CNY or Christmas, it’ll be there,displayed on a huge banner right before the word “SALE”.

But let’s be honest for a minute. Festive season was never really a fair trade for the boys. I mean, what do we blokes get out of it? (aside from the themed parties at the eve of each one). TV channels get bombarded with everything from circus freaks to sappy epic chick flicks. We always end up having to buy something for someone. And compound that with being stuck on the highway for hours just to get our asses back to mom and pops to get an earful about how we should get married before our sperm count depletes to zero or we turn blind from doing the one handed dragon boat race in the loo.

So single boys, for this Christmas, no matter what race or religion you are, rejoice! Turn that frown upside down and spend this years’ our way. Your way. Naughty or nice, here’s an updated glossary of Christmas terms to dig into while you’re already lighting up that cigarette to list down your game plan in turning that Ho-Ho-Ho into Hoh-Hoh-Hoes!

1. Single Bells

Family reunions? More like a wake up call to sad, furtive and over enthusiastic single women out there looking for some TLC. Select deserving candidates from your little black book, buy ANY present and get your Santa costume ready for some appreciative role play “thank you for thinking about me” session

2. Santa’s Clause(s)

Boyfriends beware of invitations to ‘dine with the family’. Your future romps may depend on stamps of approval from Ane, Che-che, Mummy or Appa.

3. Boxing Day

The morning after that big party you had at Jimmy’s and woke up next to Dottie, the (much) larger cousin of the girl you were hitting on before that last egg nog. Where you literally had to box your way out of the bedroom to find an escape route.

4. Christmas Carol

Title betrothed to the one who got nailed at the office party.

5. Getting A Christmas Three

Title betrothed to the dude that scored TWO Christmas Carols at the office party. At the same time. On the same copier.

6. Nativity

Romping with the local natives. Getting acquainted with your parent’s neighbors’ “My, she’s practically a young lady now!” daughter at the family reunion back in Ipoh.

7. Santa’s Workshop and your North Pole

Getting your North Pole into Santa’s Workshop will require credit card, advanced candle light dinner reservations and something glittery.

8. Ebeneezer Screwed

Finding out too late that your ghosts of girlfriend past was right, your ghost of girlfriend present sucks and the ghosts of girlfriends of the future are nowhere to be found.

9. The 3 Wise Men

Trying to score a Christmas romp? Always rely on the Three Wise Men : Habib, Heineken and Hilton (Okay, Heineken wasn’t a man)

10. Silent Night, Hoe-ly Night

What happens when your Christmas leave wasn’t approved, all your hot female friends are out of town, and you had to fork out an extra RM150 for a happy ending.

Tickboxes

I think Ludicrous literally encapsulated the one and only request men ever had in fulfilling their dreams : A Lady On The Streets, And A Freak In The Bed. Simple right? Of course. We’re guys. We like to keep it simple.

But what about what the ladies want? In any given women’s magazine, the list of criterias are rarely lesser than 5 points. Caring, funny, adventurous, stable, great smile, g

ood teeth, clean nails, short hair, long hair, bad boy, good career, abs, car etc. There’s something about women and ticking boxes.

I wonder if us guys ever had our tickbox moments. As simple as we want things to be (read : first paragraph) – I still believe unknowingly, we had our tickbox moments. But those moments were for specific situations, specific locations and specific agendas only. Not life-defining moments. But important ones none the less. Here are some examples:

FIRST DATE

1. Boobies

a. Same as Facebook picture

b. Slightly smaller (may be compensated by cicrumference of derriere)

2. Breath

a. Kissable (good)

b. Last night's Tequila (even better)

3. Walking

a. Sways hips sexily (good)

b. Causes whiplash to passers by (keep)

4. Attire

a. Low neckline (score on 2nd date)

b. Turtleneck (save money - requires Vodka for 2nd date)

IN THE CLUB

1. Boobies

a. Real Cleavage

b. Padded

2. Drink

a. Vodka-Ribena (6/10)

b. Cocktails (4/10 = Expensive cock-tease)

c. Beer (8/10 = Cheap date, but may lead to excessive burping during romp)

d. Whisky Coke (9/10)

e. Tequila Shots (10/10)

3. Dance

a. Dances like a stripper when drunk (10/10)

b. Dances like a stripper when sober (1000/10)

4. Entourage

a. Hot friends (send bottle over)

b. Surrounded by fugitives from Jabatan Imigresen Malaysia (buy only her, a drink)

5. Accommodation

a. Own apartment (score!)

b. Shares with hot housemates, also in club (send 5 bottles over, and re-enact moves from last 3some video by memory)

So is there a CLEO magazine in all of us? Hard to tell, but one thing’s for sure, no matter how much ticking in we do, boys and girls, or for whatever reasons they may be (future husband, flava of the month, something for the weekend) – our list of demands will never be satisfied as we go tickbox our way through life. Embrace what you have for the whole, which is greater than the sum of its parts. Even though that part DOES look bigger in her Facebook picture J

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I don’t eat my food. I devour it. I destroyed a perfectly arranged lasagna at Alexis 2 days ago. Prior to that, I obliterated a row of lemangs. Just tonight I raped and pillaged a cluster of broiled beef ribs, mac & cheese and mashed potatoes.

Probably it was just me shaking off the fasting month vibe. The month of Eid is shaping up to be a vicious vendetta against our all too frail souls.

If the month of Ramadhan was when Muslims crushd their worldly indulgences, the month of Eid is when Malaysians gather and show the world around them what indulgence really looks like.

If during the fasting month we observe the gratitude of the abundance of food we are blessed with, in the month of Eid we celebrate that triumph by staging what could rival a world food programme warehouse in the guise of our “open house”

And hence my past weekends have been a series of plundering and destruction. My fork and spoons were my weapons, sometimes cold steel, sometimes flimsy white plastic. Plates and bowls end up being a bloody battleground, most times with horrible remnants of what looked like a massacre of biblical proportions.

Like a despot general, I build and annihilate. Like crafting the perfect bomb with megatons of explosive power, so was my focus in crafting the perfect ABC (much to the annoyance of young freelance catering waiters) before destroying it in an avalanche of slush and slurpiness.
In the heat of the season’s tantric homage to food, even a quiet dinner for two turned out to be the French inquisition for my Gambretta (with add-on topping of anchovies!) pizza. Three quarters of the way into the ordeal, I could swear it was begging me for penance. Before I doused a final splash of fiery Tabasco liquid on it and tore it limb from limb.

For the sake of our cholesterol and sugar levels, I pray this month goes by as quickly as it arrived. Not because I’ve lost the meaning of Eid. But because I fear we’re all starting to interpret things in our own quirky, misguided way, as usual. Being Malaysian, we tend to romanticize the wrong things. And then get overboard doing it.

Like that politician that had a mild coronary at a “kambing and durian” makan event. I mean, come on?! Kambing AND Durian????

Happy open housing folks….at least they now launched the new “Halia” flavoured Eno!

If it's called "Fast"ing, why do we slow down?

A good friend of mine posted this question on Facebook in the first week of the Fasting month. Being a newly-converted Muslim, this, in my opinion was a very astute, and arguably fascinating observation.

No eating and no drinking from sun up to sundown. That’s the easy part. Fasting is also supposed to be fasting of the soul. Hence no bitching, hissing or squealing of any kind, and yes guys, no stiffy in the office.

Arguably, any hot blooded male can tell you that when you’re not intentionally looking, that’s when the scenery around you just gets gosh darned better. Everything starts getting tighter, sheerer, curvier. Damn*t, how does one distract himself?

Maybe some surfing time over lunch, just to avoid the receptionist’s tight new kebaya. But your fingers automatically type Katherine Bell, that chick you remembered from your JAG days, and you hit Safe Search Off. Nope, batal puasa.

Okay, Plan B. Some casual catching up on friends in Facebook. When you suddenly find yourself scouring through an old classmate’s “Bali Trip 2009!” album. Abort…abort!

Gotta get the edge off but you can’t smoke.

Gotta tell someone but you’ll only wind up talking about what you ‘could have seen’ and end up debating on the circumference of Kim Karadhsian’s derriere.

Finally, it’s 430pm and you’ve pretty much gone close enough o the edge without letting your eyes and mouse clicking fingers pay the deposit for your reservation in purgatory. Gotta get outta the office. Maybe look for some grub for Buka Puasa at the pasar on the way home.

And if you’ve been to a pretty good pasar Ramadhan, you’ll probably think that’s where the inspiration for R. Kelly’s “bump and grind” came from. Grab a couple of kuehs and you zip right outta there, head down, grasping to whatever inch you have left of your purity.

So guys, fasting doesn’t necessarily mean slowing down what makes us tick. C’mon, you’re no hypocrite. But in true zen-like fashion, you can treat this month as your personal training period to appreciate, hold it in, and move along. And be that kinda guy. A little pervy, but still that kinda guy.

Have a good soul diet and a happy Hari Raya to all our Muslim friends!

Merdeka!

Let’s relate ourselves to history guys. Our country’s history. In so many ways, a blokes passage in life has been chartered in the course of Malaysia’s past, and doomed to repeat itself.

It all started with Parameswara claiming our northern states and setting up his empire. Exotic, raw and intriguing to the locals, as so we were after donning on our dark green school pants for the first time, and realizing that y-front scuba brand underwear that Mama bought from Mun Loong is not a good cover-up for what you and friends now call “stim”. We wanted to pitch tents and start conquering unchartered lands.

Then the Portuguese came to Melaka and brought with them funny words in funny music like jingling nona. Awkward as that time may be, reminiscent of our awkward nights in Boom Boom Room, Spinning or Base 2 (Yow Chuan) – trying to look 18 wearing Cross Colors oversized t shirts. All I wanna do summa zoom zoom zoom anda pom pommm….was just as weird as the culture brought into our shores by those clock tower building, funny name giving (Stadthuys???) traders down South in Melaka. But dance we did, and funny slangs we spoke, and got our share of A Famosa’s.

Then the English came to teach us some decorum. Whipping the savages that we are into shape. Much like a steady girlfriend at Uni. Maturity and stability. Pre-med credentials outweigh your earlier skills of drinking Pelican pre-mixed vodka while doing the Macarena at Modesto’s. We were taught to ingest continental breakfasts instead of the usual touch and go buffet lines. That is until….

The Japanese landed! Just like the time when we realized there are more women outside of campus for the first time. In kamikaze like fashion, we were thrown off balance in the corporate world. Hot female bosses enslaved us in tight MNG work attires. Being a whipping boy in the office further enhanced our inferiority complexes, which are duly released in the form of binge drinking and sleeping with anything that doesn’t resemble a pad with wings or panty liner.

Communism swiftly ensues, and completely drags us back to the dark ages of doing things for the “common good” – which translates into living together and her training you to be of “good husband material”. And not long before…

The English comes again in the form of “the understanding one that was right under our noses the whole time” – Mutual benefits and a few ribbing and courtships and negotiations later, formed a marriage of cooperation that seemingly sets us free in knowing that the future looks so promising and that you once again, are a fulfilled, and liberated man with everything he could ask for…

Which brings us to today, just finding out that we’re still secretly the house b^tch who only THINKS he wears the pants in the house….but she’s the one that chooses which ones were allowed to wear.

Happy Independence, chaps!

Belated 2010 Resolutions

Hi 2010. Sorry it took so long to submit my KPIs for this year. Hardly noticed you already arrived, since 2009 was still bumming around, ranting about his ROIs.

I thought I'd be a bit smart this year by setting multiple resolutions and rate myself based on percentages at the end of the year. This way, I can console myself with an alphabetical rating evaluation system.

So here goes.

For 2010, I will:

1. Stop procrastinating by 2nd quarter of the year.

2. Learn how to crunk

3. Minimise asking stupid questions like "Are you asleep?" by 5%

4. Research on why African American women like to dance while trying to check out their own ass simultaneously

5. Grow some balls and smoke with the windows open while driving along Karak Highway after 11pm

6. Not sing along to Taylor Swift songs

7. Stop trying to search for famous porn stars on Facebook and try to add them as a friend

8. Not succumb to Kent when they don't sell Dunhill Lights

9. Try to remember jokes

10. Not type words like "huhuhu" or "kuikuikui" or "ahaks" on any social networking site status, comments or photo description

11. Only order lauk for "3 orang" even if there are "5 orang" at the table

12. Stop wondering why some older women have a paunch right below their belly button area

13. Shake MeMeLaLa's milk bottle thoroughly so that ALL the powder is diluted. Even if I'm half asleep at 4am

14. Stop watching horror movies on DVD in hotel rooms when I can't sleep

15. Try to save up for : A Slurpee machine, and a McFlurry machine

16. Try to find a lamp, rub it, have a genie come out, and wish for pants with magic pockets that will always have a lighter in them

17. Stop asking myself how those ugly dudes scored those cute chicks

18. Trim. And keep them trimmed.

19. Stop wishing Claire Danes never grew thinner, and forever remained at that balcony with wings attached to her back

20. Stop singing back up to S Club 7's Never Had A Wish Come True e.g. "I never had the words to say (never haaaddd the words to say)"

21. Not flex my biceps while brushing my teeth

22. Not be too lazy to sabun my ankles and feet while bathing

23. Stop playing solitaire while taking a dump

24. Find new carik makan songs to sing to when out with clients for Karaoke.

25. Learn the names of Malay female celebrities

26. Find out how to actually pronounce the word "cajole"

27. Learn how to write using the pen that 'twists out' without twisting it back in while writing

28. Stop being suckered into opening motivational slides in powepoint slide show format forwarded by well intentioned friends, colleagues and families, hoping it was a cover-up attachment for some juicy celeb porn

29. Download ICQ and open 2 accounts and message myself so that I can listen to that familar "uh-oh" sound again.

30. Find and kill the evil troll that keeps making holes in my socks

31. Eat the timuns in all my nasi lemaks

There. I think those are pretty realistic goals for the year.

Good luck with yours, peeps.