Augmented August

It is August. Three quarters of the way into 2011, fast approaching 2012. Super ark-like submarines are near completion somewhere in Africa, and John Cusack will soon be thankful that his ex-wife hooked up with someone that knows how to fly a plane.

But more excitingly, in true Malaysian fashion, were headed to yet another double whammy of a celebration this year with Raya and Merdeka set for a collision course with each other come this 31^st. But what’s even cooler is that both celebrations mark the significance of the same message.

Freedom.

For Hari Raya, it’s a day of celebrating triumph of the soul after 30 days of fasting from food, drinks and sin. (All the 3 elements that makes up a bloke’s DNA, of course. So that’s why us Muslim boys whine like bitches for 30 days, OK)

For Merdeka, well, obviously it’s about celebrating the country’s independence. What? You mean you didn’t know? Hell yeah, we’ve been independent and free to lead our way of life for the past 54 years. What? Doesn’t feel like it? Then put that yellow PicBadge on your FB profile pic, Sir. And join the war of the primary colors of yellow, blue and red (you probably know which is which). It’s like watching sports day at your local SRK I tell ya.

But no thanks, Sir, thank you very much, not for me. At least not for this month. Screw y’all and all your grand agendas, both of you! This month I’ll be reflecting on Me. Moi. Gua. Aku. To quietly meditate internally and find out who I really am, and who I really ought to be. To free my soul, instead of my superego. To tell everyone else that if they’re cooler than me, that means I’m hotter than them. To realise that I shouldn’t harbour any more intentions to kill Justin Bieber, or any superficially hot persons in this world. I would kill the hottest person in the world if I could, but suicide is illegal in this country.

The explosion of celebration of freedom will be internal for me this time. Like a woman’s orgasm. On the outside I will portray self control. Instead of jumping around waving flags, I’ll say a silent prayer for the fallen ones. Then probably do something meaningful like get my CRV tyres rotated.

But damn, it’s Raya season so I guess the workshops will be packed with people desperately trying to get back to where they think they came from.

Well I don’t know about you guys, with the way shit’s going down all around us today, I’d probably be mapping out a route to Africa right about now, and join my good ol’ buddy Mr. Cusack before we hit the new year.

Because instead of being so fixated about where we came from, to the point of national insanity every year, let’s try a little to focus on where we want to be in the future ey? Who knows, it could be the key to solving a lot of shit in this country.

To all my Muslim friends, salam Ramadhan! Fast, don’t be Furious, haha.

Reduce? Reuse? Recycle?

There’s an article in a recent Newsweek magazine which highlighted the amusing fact that now, since the handful of Middle Eastern coutries have come together to oust their dictatorial regimes, the CIA have lost valuable allies in their counter-counter-intelligence efforts in these hot zones.

Apparently, syphilis-ridden despots have been playing a crucial role in assisting the CIA in going after the badder bad guys. These include pulling people off the streets and straight into torture cells, assassinations off the radar and the seasonal run-of-the-mill car bombs.

Apparently, the trade-off for a clean government for the good of the people comes with the sacrifice of losing control of lurking terrors, safe in the constitution of renewed democracy and the sanctity of human rights. Yes, even suicide bombers can exercise their rights if they need to.

I wonder what the trade-off would be for us to have a cleaner, Singapore-like, by the book government. We keep demanding for it, sneering at Buletin Utama every time a minister is seen declaring some new policy. Scoffing is so second nature to us Malaysians that it’d be practically unMalaysian like to watch the news without giving a ranting comment about something. Even if your audience was limited to your mother in law, Indonesian maid and 2-year old daughter.

With all the brouhaha about BERSIH gaining a strong sarcastic momentum, let us not deny the fact that as clean as we want the government to be, these are the top 10 things in my list that we openly could not live without:

1. Neighbourhood pirated DVD guy.
2. Unlicensed, yet oh so good Ramly burger stalls
3. Roti man
4. Illegal nightclub valets
5. Kakak jual air outside your kid’s school
6. Highway durian sellers
7. Newspaper guys next to the bus stop on Sunday morning
8. LowYat AP underwater phone guy
9. Ops Sikap discounts
10. Fengtau Nightclub toilet Mentos and asam selling Uncle

So how squeaky do we really want to clean ourselves up, eh? As we sift through the rubbish, probably there some items worthy of being recycled before somebody really comes to take out the trash.

April

I was born on the 28th of April. April is a good month for me. And my adventures in April 2011 were no lesser than feschizzle. And I know I shouldn't start a sentence with the word 'And'. And I'm sorry, Cikgu Zuhuriah.

My wife bought me a Yamaha sound system. It looks awesome in my living room. I think the manual also says it can play sounds. But I like the beautiful silent types.

My family bought me a shiny blue bike. I had the privilege to choose it at the bike store. "You want a road bike?" asked my cyclemaster of a brother. "Nope" I said. "A racing bike?". "Nope" I repeated. I chose my shiny blue bike based on its awesomeness. It spoke to me, hanging up on that wall. I will make you look awesome. "Ride me, you viking" said the wench of a bike. Just like my very own personal Merlin, the pimply sales boy heeded my bidding and brought me my Excalibur. I rode it 2 days later. Wind in my face, spitting loose pebbles at the cats I whizzed past. I felt alive. I felt the freedom of the open road. But my balls hurt the next day.

I secretly sold my HTC Legend at a humiliating second hand price. I bought the HTC Desire S, although it hasn't launched officially in KL yet. The Chinese man at the booth was like a Shaman with magical powers. He sold me great power, that does not necessarily come with great responsibility. My magical phone has awesome powers now, such as throwing a variety of birds at wooden boxes, glass blocks, monkeys and evil frogs. And when my heart desires, I can summon free music from a mysterious source. It also comes with voice navigation, by someone that sounds like an expat's wife trying to negotiate in a pasar malam (Turn left at Jelen Toon Rezuck). Now I lead a secret double life. Posing as a Blackberry by day. And awesome bird catapult specialist, in toilet cubicles.

I bought a book written by an ex-Prime Minister. I try to read a chapter every night. I learn new things from this book. You can justify what a badass you were by writing a book about your bad ass-ness in future. Even the people that hated you will eventually buy your book to find out just how bad-ass you were. And later realise that you are SO bad ass, that you managed to rip them off of a hundred bucks without even getting your nearly 90 year old ass off of the couch. I hope my ass is as bad as that when I'm his age. I will laugh at everyone from the comfort of my kickass mansion, eating smoked salmon. Which I will call "gravad lax" just like Ikea does. Coz Im a bad ass that way.

Speaking of being a bad ass, this April was also the first month I lost my temper with a staff member. I ended the phone conversation by throwing my office phone all over my desk. Then I went to Wangsa Walk Mall and bought me some awesome looking, orange colored laptop speakers. I then rushed back to my office, switched on my Itunes and played songs by Korn out loud. I spent 79 bucks just to ensure that my other staff outside my room knew I was angry, instead of thinking I dropped my phone on the floor.

I also started on 2 freelance jobs back in the ad industry. One of them required me to present the campaign deck since I was a suit. I even wore a suit to the presentation to make sure they did not mistake me for anything other than a suit. Back at the lobby, passer-byes looked strangely at the odd man in the suit, in the hot sun along Lebuh Ampang, taking slow drags from his cigarette, imagining when Stirling Cooper was going to make him partner. Or fantasizing going back to an office filled with Joan Holloways, and celebratory single malt shots. My arm pits were damp under the suit. But Don Draper never gave a f*ck about his arm pits.

My wife also bought me an early anniversary present. It was a Puma watch that can read my heart rate by communicating wirelessly to a thingamajiggy that's strapped to my chest. Excited, I decided to try it at the gym that same night. I strapped the magic awesome chest strap around my upper torso under my gym t shirt. Upon reaching the gym, it was closed at 10pm when I thought it opened until midnight. Grumbling, I had to walk straight to the parking ticket machine. It was raining. I looked like I was wearing a bra from behind.

Now the month of May is upon me. Anniversary, wife's birthday and Mother's Day rolled into one. Luckily, I saved up enough money to buy the wife extraordinary gifts. My daughter is starting to role play and make up her own lyrics (and Middle Earth language). She's sleeping in between us tonight, with pig tails intact. The wife has dozed off after getting her fix of Unifi-downloaded god-knows-which-season-of-which-series.

It was a good April, thanks to them. And to my brother and sisters, mom and dad. April comes and goes, and hopefully the next ones will be just as satisfying. But hopefully, a bit easier on the balls.

The One's For The 30 Somethings...

Feeling a bit nostalgic today. Not in a sappy way. The kind that makes you want to feel silly about yourself. Usually memories are encapsulated in images in our heads. But words can stir up a rush of emotions and nostalgia just as powerfully. So tonight I’m racking my brain for all you 30 somethings out there. Sit back, and immerse yourselves in 99 words that acts as a mini time machine. Then tell me how it made you feel. This one’s for the 30 somethings!

1. 5 zigen

2. Jun Saito / Cardin House

3. Bawah 20

4. Tali pinggang buckle

5. Gila siaaaallllll

6. Starlet Turbo

7. Body Shop Dewberry perfume

8. Fahrenheit

9. Salem Power Station

10. Pogo party

11. Airwalk

12. Ollie and kickflip

13. California Pro

14. Centurions : Powweerrrr Extreeeemmmeee

15. My little pony, my little pony, tadadat tadadat tat tat taa…

16. Pop Ice!

17. Kum-Kum

18. Ding Dang / Toooo-raaaa!

19. Heathcliffe, heathcliffe no one should…terrorise the neighbourhood

20. But Lagen

21. Doc Mart

22. Chicago Bears / Tatanka

23. Mix Grill Bangsar

24. Boom Boom Room

25. Finnegan’s

26. Barbarran’s

27. Chinois

28. Backroom!

29. Echo’s

30. Forum

31. Picadd(ily)!

32. Dunhill 7 satu, ane.

33. Le Run

34. Aliph Hi Cut Riders, Pallas Jazz

35. Boot bola Fung Keong

36. Kasut takraw Carefree

37. Cross Colors

38. Anything Fluorescent

39. Boy London

40. GQ, brown/purple slacks, silky soft shirts, rambut belah tengah

41. Sundal Bolong

42. Mr. Os

43. Proton Knight

44. Honda Mayat

45. Kawasaki Kips

46. Yamaha SS100

47. K&N Air filter

48. Super Drager

49. Airwolf, Blue Thunder, Street Hawk!

50. Grandy’s

51. Sate Ria!

52. Kuwahara

53. Guns n Roses : Patience

54. Kuntum

55. Subbetteo

56. Double Dragon

57. Abuuugggen

58. Sagat! Sagat! Sagat!

59. Daytonnnnnnaaaaaaa (rolling start!) – Last corner, drop gear 4 to 2, then 1, back to 2,3 and 4.

60. Time Crisis

61. Gitar Kapok

62. #mamak #kampung #salleh’splace

63. Hypercolor t-shirts

64. Menulis beribu-ribu perkataaannn…kilometricooooo

65. Apit-G

66. KH (Kemahiran Hidup) and ERT (Ekonomi Rumahtangga)

67. Pijas (Pendidikan Jasmani) ????

68. Gua ada kaum / Dia ada kaum siootttt

69. Vitagen order form

70. Chicanos vs Skinhead Vs rappers vs skaters vs GQ vs …..

71. Kami rappers yo, yo,yo

72. Fionaaaaaaaa

73. Bergema takbir di pagi raya. Menyambut syawal. Bulan mulia

74. Allawannadosummazoomzoomzoom anna pom pom

75. Orait stop. Korekburit and listen

76. Sambolita sente moya heeyy jumbo jumbo. Somebody teteknya goyang. Heyyy jambu jambu

77. Lan-tak lan botak lan makan taik katak (??!??!)

78. Polis and thief, want to jaga. Polis mati pencuri ja-ga (??!??!)

79. Lat tali lat lai li tamplom

80. Sep sep sep. Pom Pom Pom.

81. Aaaa-was (parap pap) aaaa-was (parap pap) awaaaas gerak langkah mu oo-oohh

82. Black Widow jamming studio

83. Nissan AD Resort

84. Ricky the dragon steamboat / Tito Santana / The British Bulldogs

85. Missing In Action

86. Rick astley music video running up a wall and doing a backflip (nevergonnagive nevergonnagive, give you up)

87. It all keeps adding up, I think im cracking uupp, am I just paranoid, owhowhouhou!

88. Die. By my hand. I creep across the land, killing first born may-y-yaannnnnn

89. Bee Dees Club catalogues

90. TV Pendidikan

91. Babyrina

92. Piyapong Piu On

93. BMW – Bas Mini Wilayah

94. Yaohan The Mall

95. CBN open day

96. Dia dah clash la / aku baru clash dengan dia

97. Micro genuis

98. Contra

And last but not least….

99. Demi negaraaa….yang terrrrcinta…kucurahkan, bakti penuh setiaaaaaa

Sigh….brings tears to my eyes…

Life's Hidden Lessons

They say life teaches you along the way in the most unsuspecting ways in our daily lives. You just gotta stop, take notice and acknowledge it along the way. But are we taking in the right lessons from the right situations? As menly men as we men are, do we also get lost in translation when life itself is trying to tell us something and we go “uh-huh…uh-huh, that’s great honey.”. Then when challenged to explain what it is we were just presented with…we spin a story so way off that she just submits and goes away.

I believe I’ve had the privilege of noticing life’s little lessons along the way. Whether they’re right or wrong, or whether the message got totally misconstrued by yours truly, and my guardian angel goes “Ok, that’s it, I’m requesting for a transfer. Good luck, you retard.” – It’s totally up to me. MY experiences, and therefore I GET TO INTERPRET IT IN ANY WAY I’D LIKE TO.

For example, on a badly planned trip to a beach resort on the East Coast last month, I noted that things that are built beautifully to capture and enjoy the sun, becomes one of the shittiest piece of architecture in the rain. See? Genius.

It doesn’t matter how far, how fast, or how hard you jog, bike, run on Sunday mornings. If the direction is headed towards a nasi lemak stall for tapau-ing, you might as well stay in bed and find out exactly where that scrotum itch was coming from last night.

No matter how accurate virtual City Golf at BSC is, you can never invent a mobile table with La Bodega snacks and booze to attach to your golf buggy to take to a real golf course. Hence your crappy scores in real life.

You can never make Maggi Goreng at home that’s as good as any mamak stalls out there.

No matter how many brands of kicap you buy and try, none can match the way the one at your local kopitiam make the half boiled eggs taste so good.

Vampires have replaced the Jews running the movie industry. And they’re conditioning mankind for a global takeover with an ongoing ‘vampires are sexy’ campaign.

There are only 2 ways to dispose of a cigarette butt the manly way : flicking to a challenging target and nailing it spot on, or stubbing it out with a few hard rubs into an ashtray while gruffly ending your conversation with a punchline. Any other methods are for fags smoking fags.

Beware of men who keeps whining the’yre size is not big enough. Means they’ve been checking out other men’s schlongs since they sound like they had a lot to compare with. Possibly yours, too.

It doesn’t matter if you play in the woods half naked with other men. If you can change into a big ass werewolf while jumping in mid air, no one will question you.

So you see guys, it’s not always a matter of perspective. But it is always a matter of OUR perspective. Carpe diem and seize the day they say. The question is, are you going to seize whatever they say you should be seizing, or should we all spice it up a bit and navigate our way through life with our own custom set of google-goggles? Either way, there’s a lesson to be picked up at every corner. But it depends on what you’re willing to learn.

And here comes the end of the first quarter of 2011 already. Have a good March chaps.

Be My Valentine

Love is in the air! Seems like a small consolation after finding out how small that bonus figure looked like in your January payslip. But who cares right? All you need is love, tad-tadadat-taaaa…love, love is all you need….

Wrong.

I remember what it was like on Valentine’s Day when I was an SAE back in my advertising days (Single And Eligible, not Senior Account Executive). 12 years later I bet my bottom dollar that time, technology and even the Suzuki Cup have done very little to change what the average Joe goes through during V-day.

If you’re single, it’s time to get yourselves a willing Valentine’s Day date. How? Simple. Just be funny, strong, gentle, respectful, career oriented, chivalrous, smart, witty, boy next door, chiseled, muscular, chubby and get an eight-pack set of abs. Done deal, no sweat - Unless you hit a minimum of 6 of those criterias, just go out with your (pri)mates, order 2 graveyard shifts and hope that one of your drunk dials will score you a free pass to some unfortunate colleague/highschool mate/uni mate/ mate’s ex gf’s rumpus room.

If you’re dating someone, start by logging on to your Maybank2u.com account and weep inconsolably for 5 minutes. After which, start Googling on “creative ways to surprise her on Valentine’s Day” (read: “V-Day ideas for the credit-challenged twat”) . But in all honesty, your girlfriends will tell you it’s not about the money. It’s the thought that counts. Like surprising her. With a blindfold. And a plane ride to a secret location. Which hopefully (she bemuses) is a secluded hilltop villa with spa packages in tow. Or a marriage proposal from the heart. The same heart that was wise enough to reason with yourself that if she was really worth it, you’d get her that 3 carat piss-in-your-pants yellow diamond to show her just how much you know that money is no object, and that it’s the thought that counts - Her thoughts, as long as you subliminally obey.

If you’re married, start your V-Day planning by throwing away your Sport Rims catalogue, Stuff magazine’s “2011 gadgets to look out for “ issue and delete HTC.com from your Google Chrome bookmark. Then choose any of the 4 B’s – Bling, Bag, Blooming.com.my or Bali. Failure to do so will result in you getting your own dose of 4B’s – Blue balls, Baby Duty, Berleter and Bo-Layan.

Though there are many theories on where and how Valentine’s Day originated from, here’s one very likely version that men-kind are probably beginning to believe…

“ Valentine's Day was manufactured in order to displace the pagan holiday Feast of Lupercalia, an honor to the Goddess Juno - the Goddess of women and marriage. During the festival, women would write billets (love letters) and leave them for men to draw – lottery style”.

Happy Valentine’s Day and good luck! (And God help us all).

The Guy’s Guide to New Age Xmas Glossary Terms for Festive Hook-ups

Christmas is in the air! How can we tell with no white xmas to even dream off in this god awful hot & damp weather, though? In Malaysia it’s easy enough. Just walk by any major departmental store to get updated on what festive season is happening soon. Whether Hari Raya, Deepavali, CNY or Christmas, it’ll be there,displayed on a huge banner right before the word “SALE”.

But let’s be honest for a minute. Festive season was never really a fair trade for the boys. I mean, what do we blokes get out of it? (aside from the themed parties at the eve of each one). TV channels get bombarded with everything from circus freaks to sappy epic chick flicks. We always end up having to buy something for someone. And compound that with being stuck on the highway for hours just to get our asses back to mom and pops to get an earful about how we should get married before our sperm count depletes to zero or we turn blind from doing the one handed dragon boat race in the loo.

So single boys, for this Christmas, no matter what race or religion you are, rejoice! Turn that frown upside down and spend this years’ our way. Your way. Naughty or nice, here’s an updated glossary of Christmas terms to dig into while you’re already lighting up that cigarette to list down your game plan in turning that Ho-Ho-Ho into Hoh-Hoh-Hoes!

1. Single Bells

Family reunions? More like a wake up call to sad, furtive and over enthusiastic single women out there looking for some TLC. Select deserving candidates from your little black book, buy ANY present and get your Santa costume ready for some appreciative role play “thank you for thinking about me” session

2. Santa’s Clause(s)

Boyfriends beware of invitations to ‘dine with the family’. Your future romps may depend on stamps of approval from Ane, Che-che, Mummy or Appa.

3. Boxing Day

The morning after that big party you had at Jimmy’s and woke up next to Dottie, the (much) larger cousin of the girl you were hitting on before that last egg nog. Where you literally had to box your way out of the bedroom to find an escape route.

4. Christmas Carol

Title betrothed to the one who got nailed at the office party.

5. Getting A Christmas Three

Title betrothed to the dude that scored TWO Christmas Carols at the office party. At the same time. On the same copier.

6. Nativity

Romping with the local natives. Getting acquainted with your parent’s neighbors’ “My, she’s practically a young lady now!” daughter at the family reunion back in Ipoh.

7. Santa’s Workshop and your North Pole

Getting your North Pole into Santa’s Workshop will require credit card, advanced candle light dinner reservations and something glittery.

8. Ebeneezer Screwed

Finding out too late that your ghosts of girlfriend past was right, your ghost of girlfriend present sucks and the ghosts of girlfriends of the future are nowhere to be found.

9. The 3 Wise Men

Trying to score a Christmas romp? Always rely on the Three Wise Men : Habib, Heineken and Hilton (Okay, Heineken wasn’t a man)

10. Silent Night, Hoe-ly Night

What happens when your Christmas leave wasn’t approved, all your hot female friends are out of town, and you had to fork out an extra RM150 for a happy ending.